Joke of the Day

Lol!

 

I like my women like I like my nose.

Sitting on my face with my finger in it.

 

Marcel
If you watch Godzilla vs. King Kong backwards, it's about two giant monsters who forget their differences and build a city
about an hour ago · Privacy: · Unlike ·
You, Nolan , Katie , Michéla and 2 others like this.

Roy
Friday the 13th is about a hockey mask wearing guy who saves lives by pulling machete's out of their back
51 minutes ago · Like

Marcel
The Matrix is about a group of rebels in the real world who eventually learn to submit to the will of their computer overlords and plug themselves into the machines.
45 minutes ago · Like

Ryan
If you play jaws backwards it's about a shark that vomits so many people they have to open a beach because of it

 

Saw is about people putting their body parts back together...

 

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif] VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
>
> How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
> Marry It!
>
>
> What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
> A battery has a positive side.
>
>
> Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
> Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there..
>
>
> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
> Put a nipple on it.
>
>
> Why do women fake orgasms ?
> Because they think men care.
>
>
> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>
>
> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
> Made her chain too long.
>
>
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
>
>
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>
>
> Why do men pass gas more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
>
>
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>
>
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>
>
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
> [/FONT]

 

Wow, some of those are pretty damn funny!

 

my new favorite shot - the Lindsay Lohan

a red headed slut with a little coke in it.

 

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Southern Arizona.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the brash young cowboy boldly asks the old cowpoke, "Hey, Old-timer, if you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The tan & wrinkled cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his most polite manner says, "Naw, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl

over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.


The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

A Wish To Live Forever

I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

 

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address
a major gathering of the American Indian Nation
two weeks ago in upstate New York .
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for
increasing every Native American's present
standard of living. He referred to his time as
a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for
every Native American issue that came
to the floor of the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the
details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic
and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping
his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented
Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name, "Walking Eagle."
The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then
departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser,
waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they
came to select the new name they had given to the President.






They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name

given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

 

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,
and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the
captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."

 

Dont know how old this is or if its true, But well written and funny. So if ya got a few minutes and want a good laugh. Read on.

CHILI WARNING!!! Read if you want a good laugh.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "...you're definitely going to shit yourself road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement". Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as "thunder and lightning".

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able torelate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ...........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD", purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?", then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU !!! " then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 

My daughter just walked into the living room and said,"Dad, cancel my

allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the

window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my

laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army orCash

Converters.

Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me

out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't

forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...


"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

 

An old lady wakes up in the morning and as she is getting dress she looks at her saggy boobs and arms in a mirror. At the same time she asks her husband for a complement.....

He thinks for a second and says.

WOW you got good eyes

 

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road
and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

 

^^^

 

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; ​

Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of ​

The men to a large metal door and handed ​

Him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your ​

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting ​

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could ​

Never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man ​

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions. ​

He took the gun and went into the room. All was ​

Quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, ​

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't ​

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the ​

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the ​

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one ​

After another. They heard screaming, crashing, ​

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was ​

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the ​

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to ​

Beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:


Women are crazy. Don't mess with them​

 

What do you call a woman with 2 black eyes?








Nothing, you already told her twice

 

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one
turned to the bigger one and said, I can't unnerstand how you can be so much
bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just
don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all
catch 'em?" "Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that
law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them BMWer's and wait fer someone to unlock
the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the livin shit out of
'em, and then eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit
out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."