Joke of the Day

A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and mad at the same time."

She says "You have the biggest dick of all your friends!"

 

A man gets his johnson sunburned. His buddy tells him to soak it in a glass of milk.

His blonde girlfriend walks in and says, "Oh my god, So that's how you reload it!!"

 

Just made it a little easier on the eyes.

 

Only a farm kid...

When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........


A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'



'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' 'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'


'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'


'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered that for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull

and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

 

A man went to his doctor's office.
He was prescreened first by the nurse.

He asked the nurse if she had ever laughed at her
patients' problems..

'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient.'

'Okay then,' the man said and proceeded to drop his
trousers, Revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had
ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a
AA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then
fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and
regain her composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't
happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'... It's swollen,' He replied.

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the mon signor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub , Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ... only two left!"

Englishmen, God bless them, should not mess with the Irish.

 

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it
was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious
aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came
to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ..and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The
Priest was called immedia tely by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's
yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in
amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you is a catfish

 

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.

She is such a bitch........

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge..

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'


'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'



'I should be in charge,' said thestomach,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'


'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'


'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'


'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
The brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

 

A blonde is watching the news with her husband with the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident!"




The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"