HOW TO POOP AT WORK!!!!

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

[EDIT] THE LUMBERJACK:

When you drop an extremely long turd and it either stands upright, or after releasing, falls over like a tree in the woods. Caution must be given when a potential lumberjack is dropped because if it decides to fall forward the boys might get in the way making for an uncomfortable day if not properly wiped.

 

this is killin me

 

Hahahahaha, I LOLed all the way through this! +1 for you my friend

 

hahaha so much of this is true

 

This is great!

 

Wasn't this one re-named "The Larry Craig"?
Or is that only if you are in the airport bathroom...

 

Thanks

 

Smiles all around...extremely funny !!!!!!!!

 

Funny stuff! However, I don't give a f**k, I poop at work all the time regardless of who's in there. I'm not a shy pooper, when I've gotta poop, I'm gonna take a poop.

I have a buddy who is scared shitless of pooping in public and/or work and will only poop at home. It cracks me up and I always give him a hard time about it.

We have a guy in our office we call "Barry White". He's this big black guy with a really deep voice and he's always in our floor/wing bathroom even though he doesn't even work on our floor. He will spend 30+ minutes in there and he's ALWAYS talking on the phone to someone. Sometimes I will come in the bathroom and the lights are off (lights on a timer to turn off at 20 minutes) and he's in the back stall on the toilet yapping away on his phone.

 

some greenies for you OP
That shit brought the chuckles

 

We are stuck with portable toilets outside here, so we have all the privacy we need.
Only problem is people hitting it with rocks to scare you to death mid-pinch. And the cold. And the black widow spiders. And sometimes no TP. And not being able to wash afterward.

 

Im just trying to help.

 

Haha I have used many of these

 

I used to work construction. Cold air coming up from the porta-potty is no joke

 

this is awesome

 

It's kind of nice in the summer when breeze cools the sweat in your crack.

 

You must be a out of the closet pooper lol

 

X2

 

People seem to not mind the Escapee while I'm at work. Everytime I'm taking a poop at work it seems someone lets one loose while taking a piss.