Joke of the Day

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Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'





The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

 

Here's one a friend told me looong ago.

One time there was an old man who was sitting on his porch. Lo and behold, he saw two young boys pushing a cart full of chicken wire.

He said: Hey boys, what in the hell are you doing with all that chicken wire?

The boys said: We're gonna go out and catch ourselves some chickens.

The old man replied: You boys are full of shit. You can't catch chickens with chicken wire.

Well later that afternoon those boys came back with that cart and sure enough it was just full of chickens. Well I'll be, said the man.

The next day those two same boys came by pushing a cart full of buttercups.

What you boys doing today with all them buttercups?
The boys replied: We're going to town and buying some butter with em'
The old man said: Well you can't buy no butter with buttercups you dipshits, you have to use money!

The boys shrugged their shoulders and kept on going and just like the day before, came back with the cart loaded. This time with loads of butter. The old man just shook his head.

The next morning those same boys came by pushing a cart full of pussey willows.

Hold on boys, lemme grab my jacket!

 

This is an old one, but a classic!

A bear and a rabbit were side by side taking a sh*t in the woods. Bear asks the rabbit, "do you have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?" Rabbit says "No, not really." So the bear leans over, picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

 

OK... had to dig up another classic:

A fat man and a skinny are taking a shower at the YMCA. Skinny man says to the fat man "Damn! How long has it been since you seen your dick?" Fat man says "Looooong time.." Skinny man says "Why don't you diet? Fat man says "Well, what color is it now?"

 

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

 

Anyone having a problem trying to go to the home page? I keep getting a down load popup.

 

I was getting that yesterday whenever I clicked any lick for TW. Bob must be mucking about with ol' Betsy.

 

Thanks I guess il just wait it out dont want to down load a virus

 

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... To blondes


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the
game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then
for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the
quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25
cents!!!!

 

Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Boy Say:
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

 

Hahaha! Nice!

 

So there were two muffins in the oven.
The first one said, "Man its hot in here,"
The other one said, "AHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN."

 

Lmao

 

YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice..

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies , "It's Keith, the midget."

 

Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My E yes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or ! Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.


Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid