Joke of the Day

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should
lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You
know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.
You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't
forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after
glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

 

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.







After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,








'Are all of those kids yours?'








He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. '

 

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

 

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer.
The first nun said it would be nice to enjoy a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have
one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it.
The first nun replied that she could handle that without a problem.
So, she picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the nun said,
'We use beer for washing our hair; a sort of shampoo, if you will.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter,
pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag
with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, 'The curlers are on the house.'

 

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried a third time and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the
Lord for this very loving woman and mother and said, 'Lord, they're
finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied,

" I think he means her legs."

 

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next
to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he
got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour!
Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork
in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.