Joke of the Day

>
> HOW TO START A FIGHT
> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
> a Christmas gift...
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked me why, I replied,
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> we were in bed.
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> 'Is that your final answer?'
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> "Yes", she sighed,
> "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> hasn't been sober since."
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?"
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
> something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
> thought of a clever way to make her point.
>
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
> I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
>
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> I said, "Dust."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
> terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary.
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in
> about 3 seconds."
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started......
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> for Social Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> verify my age.
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> to pay me a compliment.'
> I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
>
> And then the fight started........
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
>
> That's how the fight started.
>

 

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies

running aroun d w ith tattoos and pierced navels?"​

 

and old people will be all like

"Fuck you bitch! Get me a motherfuckin sammich while I listen to my old-ass CD with 50 cent and snoop dog"

 

lol that'll totally be me.

 

That'll be our generations version of the 70's rock

 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'​

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'​

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'​

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'​

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.​

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'​

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'​

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'​

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'​

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.​

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?​

 

This is a good joke to tell somebody verbally, doesn't work so well reading it on the interwebs --


After everything I say, reply with the word "addicted":


Coffee?

[addicted]


Beer?

[addicted]


Sex?

[addicted]


Cigarettes?

[addicted]


Cocaine?

[addicted]


What hit you in the face last night?

[addicted] (a dick did)

 

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floorwithout holding on. We have enough "youth".How about a fountain of "smart"? The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party When blondes have more fun,do they know it? Five days a week my body is a temple.The other two it's an amusement park. LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKESUSE BIRTH CONTROL Money isn't everything,but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Don't Drink and DriveYou might hit a bump and spill something. If at first you don't succeedskydiving is not for you Reality is only an illusionthat occurs due to a lack of alcohol. We are born naked, wet and hungry.Then things get worse. Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Ninety-nine percent of all lawyersgive the rest a bad name. Xerox and Wurlitzer will mergeto produce reproductive organs. Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NOMATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY. The latest survey shows thatthree out of four people makeup 75% of the population "You know why a banana is like a politician?""He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellowand then he's rotten." "I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we couldidentify their corporate sponsors." The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that theywould 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

 

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things
commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about
the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it
eventually.'

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the
bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope,
your're still black' ..

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks what's
wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says, Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for
you?
The boy replies .... No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind
at the moment.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself," I’m going to take that".

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts to him ... 'Where am I'?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. 'You’re in that feckin’
basket.'

 

Not a joke but funny as hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

 

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today .........

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1992.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced eleven years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable..

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been microwaved .

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?',

'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ' or

'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

 

The Newfies have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
___________________________________________________________________________________




Me buddy's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
___________________________________________________________________________________



The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of me wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Lard Jasus yes by'e, dats her."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know by'e, but she's good to the kids & a tolerable cook ."
___________________________________________________________________________________
Two Newfoundlanders find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Lard Jasus I knows this face but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You stupid bastard, it's me!"
___________________________________________________________________________________
A Newfie's in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging meself," he replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," the Newfie says, "but I couldn't friggin' breathe."
___________________________________________________________________________________





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Canadian jokes ... not really that funny


Edit: I re-read the jokes and replaced Newfie with Aggie and they all make much more sense

 

Funny... I replaced them with Texan and was laughing my ass off

 

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