Joke of the Day

got somethin to say yankee?

 

I'm what you'd call a Damn Yankee! I lived in the south for a while and moved back and believe me, I had the difference between a yankee and a damn yankee explained to me several times while I was down there...


And nothing against Texans, just had to rip on the guy for giving the joke teller a hard time

 

just saw that the guy is from TX...carry on

 

E-mail forward I recieved:
This is too true to be funny ...



The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spendingYOUR tax money.




A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,

but one advertising agency did a good job of

putting that figure into some perspective in

one of its releases.



A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.


B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.


C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were

living in the Stone Age.


D.

A billion days ago no one on the earth walked on two feet.


E.

A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

at the rate our governments

are spending it.


While this thought is still fresh in our brain ...

let's take a look at New Orleans ....

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.



Louisiana Senator,

Mary Landrieu (D)

is presently asking Congress for

250 BILLION DOLLARS

to rebuild New Orleans ... Interesting number ...

what does it mean?


A

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans

(every man, woman, and child)

you each get $516,528.


B

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets$1,329,787.


C.

Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.


Imagine, now $700 billion bailing out banks in the US . That's enough to fund complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in the US for 11 years!!

50 billion to bail out the auto industry???

Washington , D.C.

&

Ottawa

< HELLO!!! >

Are all your calculators broken??


Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax , Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Tax

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Property y Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service charge taxes

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax (Truckers)

Sales Taxes

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax

Telephone Usage Charge Tax

Utility Tax

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

Income Tax

Everything Tax


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY???


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago ...

and our nations were the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt ...

We had the largest middle class in the world..

and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.


What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'


And I still have to

press '1'

for English.


I hope this goes around the

US & CANADA

at least 1 billion times


What the hell happened?

ned??



































































​

​

 

.... *brain twitch* the garbage man?

 

Seeing eye dogs use the toilet?

 

Just got these at work today.

- In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.
- I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

- There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

- You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

- A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

- Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

- Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

- The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

 

-- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

-- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

-- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

-- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

-- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

-- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

-- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

-- Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

-- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

-- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

-- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

-- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

-- I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

-- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

-- I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

-- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

-- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish

 

Who is the greatest Jewish cook ever? Hitler

 

umm, maybe if you like your meat WELL done...

 

inspired by the teen pregnancy scare thread, and egged on by broken tusk:

what's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside the abortion clinic?


asking for a coat hanger.

 

and, if you don't like that one:

what's the difference between two dicks and a joke.

you can't take a joke.

 

^^^ I approve all of these messages

 

Another one inspired by the pregnancy scare thread:
What do you call teens that use the 'pull out' method?






Wait for it...






PARENTS!
Not funny for the teens but should get a laugh out of us who lived through it...

 

My family is weird. We're very open, atleast with my Grandma. Well when my younger cousin got a pregnancy scare it spread like wild fire and he was bangin' his easy GF all the time and at a family dinner my grandma said "You better be wearing a rubber!"

to which I replied (remember, I was a teen parent) "Oh shut up grandma!, everyone knows the best contraceptive is pull and pray....worked great for me!!!"

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? ​

​

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' ​

​

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs ​

and have fun finding them. ​

​

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license. ​

​

**** My favorite one*****
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over. ​

​

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week' ​

​

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ​

​

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. ​

​

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker. ​

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.' ​

​

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference. ​

​

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing