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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Feb 13, 2009 at 5:26 PM
    #381
    jrw1965

    jrw1965 Well-Known Member

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    A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells
    you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you ! "


    His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

    He told me that because of prison, he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!
     
  2. Feb 13, 2009 at 7:41 PM
    #382
    higherlux

    higherlux Well-Known Member

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    middle of S.C.
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    Mall crawler status
    lmfao
     
  3. Feb 14, 2009 at 9:09 PM
    #383
    rick

    rick `

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    Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? 3 dollars a year for a million years.
     
  4. Feb 15, 2009 at 11:59 AM
    #384
    jrw1965

    jrw1965 Well-Known Member

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    Joining the Police force


    A man is seeking to join the Queensland
    Police force -
    The Sergeant doing the interview says:
    "Your qualifications all look good, but
    there is an attitude suitability test
    that you must take before you can be
    accepted."
    Then, sliding a pistol across the desk,
    he says:
    "Take this pistol and go out and shoot
    six illegal immigrants, six drug
    dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a
    rabbit. "
    "Why the rabbit?"
    "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
     
  5. Feb 15, 2009 at 12:38 PM
    #385
    Wren

    Wren Well-Known Member

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    Williamsburg, Ky
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    my whole town fits into that, i disagree with some, especially #14 unsweetened tea should be banned i drank green tea, the type you have hot and seep, but iced tea has to be sweet, hot tea is like coffee bitter, #24 the south won right, jk (i do not mean to offend), #2 Yall are very nice people
     
  6. Feb 15, 2009 at 3:47 PM
    #386
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    Saugatuck, MI






    Saugatuck Police today reported finding a John Doe male body floating off the shore in Lake Michigan. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his a$$.







    The police thoughtfully removed the Obama t-shirt to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.
     
  7. Feb 15, 2009 at 3:48 PM
    #387
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    There are several that crack me up on this list.
     
  8. Feb 15, 2009 at 4:02 PM
    #388
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    Baby Boomers turn up the sound.

    This is funny! Even for those of us that aren't baby boomers.
     
  9. Feb 15, 2009 at 4:15 PM
    #389
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    An Amazing Discovery !






    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year,

    New York archaeologist & scientists found
    Traces of copper wire dating back 100 years
    And came to the conclusion,
    That their New York ancestors already had a
    Telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers,
    In the weeks that followed,
    In California an archaeologist & scientists
    Dug to a depth of 20 feet,
    And shortly after,
    Headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
    California archaeologists have found
    Traces of 200 year old copper wire dating back 200 years
    And came to the conclusion,
    That their California ancestors already had an
    Advanced high-tech communications network
    A hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

    One week later,
    The Atlanta Journal News,
    A local newspaper in Georgia, reported the following:
    After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near
    Kennesaw Mountain Confederate Battlefield,
    Cobb County, Georgia,
    Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist & scientist,
    Reported that he found absolutely nothing.
    Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
    The South had already gone wireless.

    Thank God for Bubba.
    Who said Southerners were hicks?
     
  10. Feb 15, 2009 at 6:19 PM
    #390
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

    Joined:
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    Not Beech Creek
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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    as a mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange

    buzzing noise coming from within.. Opening the door, she observed her

    daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she

    asked: 'what in the world are you doing?!'

    the daughter replied: 'mom, i'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and

    this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband! Please, get

    out and leave me alone!'

    the next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the

    other side of the closed bedroom door. Curious, he enters the room, and

    is shocked his daughter is making passionate love to her vibrator! The
    daughter says: 'dad get out!! I'm thir ty-five, living at home,

    unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a
    husband. Go away and leave me alone!!.'

    a couple days later, mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the

    groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming

    from, of all places, the living room.


    She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

    downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to

    him
    on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked: 'what the hell are you doing??'


    the husband replied: 'i'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

     
  11. Feb 15, 2009 at 6:20 PM
    #391
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'been earning,and therefore,they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.
     
  12. Feb 15, 2009 at 6:56 PM
    #392
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    [FONT=arial,helvetica]STUTTERING CAT???

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

    "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
    she volunteered.

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
    become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
    Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
    knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

    "That must've been scary", said the teacher.

    "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, and
    went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "Fuck", the
    Rottweiler ate him!"

    [/FONT]

    [FONT=arial,helvetica]
    [/FONT]
     
  13. Feb 16, 2009 at 7:46 AM
    #393
    4x4x4trd

    4x4x4trd My other ride weighs 200 tons

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    Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

    In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

    As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

    She replies, 'No'.

    Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

    She replies, 'No.'

    Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

    His mom says, 'No.'

    He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

    He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

    I gave him my airplane glue.
     
  14. Feb 16, 2009 at 9:16 AM
    #394
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Not Beech Creek
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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Doctors' Opinion of Financial Bail-Out Package:

    The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.



    The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.



    The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.



    Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.



    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'



    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.



    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.



    The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."



    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.



    The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.



    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire the decision up to the assholes in Washington.

     
  15. Feb 16, 2009 at 3:56 PM
    #395
    4x4x4trd

    4x4x4trd My other ride weighs 200 tons

    Joined:
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    North Texas
    Vehicle:
    08 White Access Cab TRD OR, Debadged
    AFE oil free drop in, Secondary removed, tint, front D-rings, Toyota bed mat, Undercover tonneau, TRD seat covers and floor mats, Pioneer speakers, Westin Platinum bars, Fumoto oil valve, short antena, Nifty Xtreme's, TSB leaf springs, Bilstein 5100's set at .85" in the front
    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'
     
  16. Feb 16, 2009 at 5:15 PM
    #396
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    I recieved this from a blonde friend.

    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind; and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
     
  17. Feb 17, 2009 at 4:58 AM
    #397
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Not Beech Creek
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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
     
  18. Feb 17, 2009 at 11:43 AM
    #398
    4x4x4trd

    4x4x4trd My other ride weighs 200 tons

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
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    Messages:
    1,167
    North Texas
    Vehicle:
    08 White Access Cab TRD OR, Debadged
    AFE oil free drop in, Secondary removed, tint, front D-rings, Toyota bed mat, Undercover tonneau, TRD seat covers and floor mats, Pioneer speakers, Westin Platinum bars, Fumoto oil valve, short antena, Nifty Xtreme's, TSB leaf springs, Bilstein 5100's set at .85" in the front
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$90,000"
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks:

    "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
     
  19. Feb 17, 2009 at 1:41 PM
    #399
    Lane Cypert

    Lane Cypert Well-Known Member

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    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
    We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

    The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
    My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

    When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
    'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response,
    knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

    'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
     
  20. Feb 17, 2009 at 3:32 PM
    #400
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    Sean
    Bethlehem,GA
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    HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
    1. Open a new file in your computer.

    2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

    3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

    4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

    5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

    6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

    7. Feel better?

    GOOD

    Tomorrow, we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
     

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