Joke of the Day

I was driving from Wheeler to Colfax the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in Ford Explorer with union decals all over it.

He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.

" Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another grubby looking guy in a Chevy pickup with a bent front wheel stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, " Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!" I shouted..

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

 

Subject: Government Job....


A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a
job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the
service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three
years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra
points toward employment" and then the interviewer
asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded
near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire
you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are
from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to
come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching
our balls.......no point in you coming in for that.

 

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.
Remember: "The government cannot give to anyone
anything that it does not first take from someone
else."

 

well i didnt find this one, my uncle told it to me.


A blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a grocery store. They stand towards the front for a couple minutes, with shoppers staring. Finally, the blind man has his dog walk him to the center of the store. He stands there, then picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging him helicopter style over his head. Shocked shoppers get the manager, and the manger walks up to the blind man. "Sir, may I please ask you what you are doing?!" Blind man says "Just taking a look around."

 

So one day a cop is parked under an over pass with his radar gun looking for speeders. A car flys by doing 90. The cop puts down the radar gun and pulls out from under the over pass and pulls the guy over. "Whats the rush sir?" the cop asks. "Im a doctor, and Im late to see my patient." The driver says. "Well what kind of doctor are you?" "Im a proctologest, but I specialize in ass streaching." says the doc. The cop looks freaked out and asks, "Ass streaching!?! WTF? What is in the normal day of an ass streacher????" The doc sighs and say, " Well I get in there with one hand, then two, then I get my arms in there till I streach it out to a six foot ass hole." Eyes wide the cop asks, "what the HELL do you do with a six foot ass hole?????" The doc sighs again and says, "Well, we give them a radar gun and a cop car and stick them under an over pass!"

 

^Sounds to me like a sure fire way to get your own ass stretched on the side of the highway.

Talk about getting fucked by the long arm of the law.

 

98tacoma27 they left out "If four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum...does that mean one out of five dentists say "hell yeah do the sugar, daddy needs a new Porsche!"?

 

if u rape a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?????

 

if u rape a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?????

 

Little Johnnie in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Johnnie replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Johnnie said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Johnnie said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Johnnie said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Johnnie and asked,

'What happened with that dead horse?'

Johnnie said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Johnnie said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Johnnie grew up and works now for the government.

He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

 

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle fromthe cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On thesame hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'man internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away inembarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

 

Boudreaux and his wife Clotille lived on a little farm outside Mamou.

One day Clotille said, "Mais, Boudreaux, you have to get rid of dat dog. All he does is lie under de front porch and turn over da trash cans."

Boudreaux said, "Okay. Cher . I'll get rid of him."

He put him in the pickup, drove down the road a couple of miles and dumped him out. He drove home and in a few minutes the dog showed up.

So he put him back in the truck, drove several more miles and dumped him out. After getting back home, the dog showed up again.

Clotille said, "You have to take him out and drive around and around a lot in circles, den dump him out. Dat way he won't know da way home."

Boudreaux said, "You some smart, Clotille, and dat's why I marry you."

Boudreaux took the dog, drove all around and zigzagged a lot then dumped the dog out. He started back home but pulled over and parked and called Clotille on his cell phone. "Has dat dog come back yet?"

Clotille answered "Yes, he just came in."

Boudreaux said, "Well, put him up to da phone - I'm lost."
​

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.


One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.


Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

 

On the subject of old folks, Mr Schwartz and Miss Levin at the old folks home had a thing going on. Every Wednsday night when they had the weekly movies they would sit in the back row and when the lights went out, she would put her hand down his pants and he would do hers. This went on for many Wednsday nights until one night Mr. Schwartz didn't show up. Worried that something terrible had happened to Mr. Schwartz, Miss Levin jumped onto her walker and headed for his room. When she knocked on his door, Mr. Schwartz finally answered and to Miss Levins surprise she saw Miss Goldstein in his room. She confronted Mr. Schwartz and asked "What does she have that I don't", to which he answered "Parkinsons"!!!