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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Feb 27, 2009 at 6:39 AM
    #441
    4x4x4trd

    4x4x4trd My other ride weighs 200 tons

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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.

    8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

    10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
    12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'...

    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
     
  2. Feb 27, 2009 at 6:57 AM
    #442
    4x4x4trd

    4x4x4trd My other ride weighs 200 tons

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    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular BLUETOOTH cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

    'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

    'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.

    Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

    'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.


    Now give me back my dog.
     
  3. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:34 PM
    #443
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    [FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'[/FONT]
     
  4. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:35 PM
    #444
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    [FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The preacher said, 'No shit?'
    [/FONT]
     
  5. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:35 PM
    #445
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    [FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
    [/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]'Just take two ,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]
    [/FONT]
     
  6. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:36 PM
    #446
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Check your driver's license.
    I definitely removed mine...I suggest you all do the same.. Now you can see
    anyone's driver's license on the Internet, including your own! I just
    searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!
    Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter
    your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.
    After your license comes on screen, click the box marked "Please remove."
    This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.
    Please notify all of your friends so they can protect themselves too.
    http://www.license.shorturl.com
     
  7. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:37 PM
    #447
    higherlux

    higherlux Well-Known Member

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    Mall crawler status
    :eek::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  8. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:38 PM
    #448
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold
    a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The
    funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this
    man would be the first to be buried there.

    I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being
    a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an
    hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was
    nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the
    workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave.
    There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would
    not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to
    do.

    The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to
    pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a
    brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to
    say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly
    inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached
    before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

    I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and
    walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard
    one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin'like that
    before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"
     
  9. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:39 PM
    #449
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box
    of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box
    for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
    refrigerator.

    He pointedly advised her that he was holding her
    personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a
    lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them
    thaw out.

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the
    intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
    me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and
    ate them.

    Two lessons here:
    1. Men never learn.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
     
  10. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:48 PM
    #450
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


    The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.




    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


    Again, the man is impressed.





    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




    Obviously, the man was impressed.




    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



    Thenhe married the one with the biggest tits.


    Men are like that, you know.

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


     
  11. Feb 27, 2009 at 4:50 PM
    #451
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
    news.. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

    The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
    waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

    'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
    celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
    well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

    After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
    were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
    some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
    were celebrating.

    The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
    'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

    The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
    hasty retreat.

    After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
    'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
    your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

    'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
    after I'm gone.'

    And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
     
  12. Mar 1, 2009 at 12:03 PM
    #452
    jrw1965

    jrw1965 Well-Known Member

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    A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at
    midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check he discovers that the latrine
    holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to
    the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been
    left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar,
    which takes even more time. He finally arrives at the aircraft and is less
    than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the
    pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk
    criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot, an Air Force Major,
    stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this
    flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not
    just reprimanded, but punished." The poor guy says, "Sir, with all due
    respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Enlisted Airman in the United States Air
    Force. I've been in Thule,Greenland for eleven months without a furlough,
    and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe,
    it's two thirty in the morning, it's twenty degrees below zero and my
    specialty here is to pump shit from an aircraft. Now just what form of
    punishment did you have in mind?
     
  13. Mar 2, 2009 at 5:50 AM
    #453
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Specificity
    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. No thanks, I'm married.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Taco Bell
    ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
    9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
    10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
     
  14. Mar 2, 2009 at 8:17 AM
    #454
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..
    While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

    The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

    The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

    The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...
    Sometimes the bull wins.'



     
  15. Mar 2, 2009 at 8:20 AM
    #455
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house
    with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

    'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
    Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

    Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

    When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

    When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

    "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

    He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first
    time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
     
  16. Mar 2, 2009 at 8:20 AM
    #456
    longbow

    longbow I see you now..................

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    That's funny :laugh:
     
  17. Mar 2, 2009 at 8:23 AM
    #457
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

    'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

    ' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

    Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

    ''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

    In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

    Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

    The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

    'Then I call them by their last names.'

     
  18. Mar 2, 2009 at 8:30 AM
    #458
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were:

    1. The invention of beer, and
    2.The invention of the wheel.


    The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

    These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals
    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

    Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.



    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, paramedics,construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history.

    It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

    A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.

     
  19. Mar 2, 2009 at 8:55 AM
    #459
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2008
    Member:
    #11714
    Messages:
    67,858
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Ben
    Not Beech Creek
    Vehicle:
    05 Tundra SR5 (+295k AND COUNTING), 2006 F350 King Ranch 6.0L
    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"


    She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this
    car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here


     
  20. Mar 2, 2009 at 10:51 AM
    #460
    4x4x4trd

    4x4x4trd My other ride weighs 200 tons

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
    Member:
    #4267
    Messages:
    1,167
    North Texas
    Vehicle:
    08 White Access Cab TRD OR, Debadged
    AFE oil free drop in, Secondary removed, tint, front D-rings, Toyota bed mat, Undercover tonneau, TRD seat covers and floor mats, Pioneer speakers, Westin Platinum bars, Fumoto oil valve, short antena, Nifty Xtreme's, TSB leaf springs, Bilstein 5100's set at .85" in the front
    Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left. You might wanna call DC about restocking"

    Seniors - don't mess with them!
     

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