Joke of the Day

[FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The preacher said, 'No shit?'
[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]'Just take two ,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]
[/FONT]

 

Check your driver's license.
I definitely removed mine...I suggest you all do the same.. Now you can see
anyone's driver's license on the Internet, including your own! I just
searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter
your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.
After your license comes on screen, click the box marked "Please remove."
This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.
Please notify all of your friends so they can protect themselves too.
http://www.license.shorturl.com​

 

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold
a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this
man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being
a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the
workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave.
There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would
not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to
do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to
pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a
brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to
say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly
inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached
before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and
walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard
one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin'like that
before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"

 

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box
of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box
for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them
thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the
intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and
ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Thenhe married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news.. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...
Sometimes the bull wins.'

 

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house
with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first
time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

 

For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2.The invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.



Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, paramedics,construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.

 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"


She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this
car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here