Joke of the Day

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

 

Oldie but goodie.....


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing .
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES*


Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an
electrical problem.

 

1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepitoreplies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so Ishoulder.

4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7.. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honeyharassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

 

A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.
He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.



I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
=0 A
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said.

'This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet ..'

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she over comes
her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??"

 

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant??!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said.

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, '

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

 

lol

 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

 

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning and told OBAMA that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
This is specially enlightening since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either

 

Here's 1 cuz lately we don't ahve enough positive posts.
Might be a repost...
Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!




A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the


Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you


the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the


Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely


soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep shit. ​

 

Guts vs. Balls



There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls , but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed , and to alleviate further confusion , the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys , being met by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next , Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome , since both ultimately result in death.