any 30 year olds dating a 40+ year old?

So...it's been a while since I have been here since I got my Tundra...but anytime I need relationship advice I know this is the place to go

The short of it:
-I am 30
-She is 42
-She looks good for her age, most people think she's mid 30s when I introduce her
-has 3 kids
-sex is awesome
-not looking for a baby daddy or money, we are 50/50 for paying for stuff right now and we make about the same I think.
-common interests (running/athletics/sex)
-she is super sweet and puts others before herself.

We have been dating for about 4 months now and everything seems fine. I got the question yesterday- where are we headed.

My biggest issue is wanting kids of my own. She keeps saying she is fine with it, if it happens (having a kid). My issue is if we go conventional route, date. marriage, kids, she likely wont be having a kid until she is 44 the earliest. This is a lot to choke down after 4 months and I am totally freaking out. By the time the kid graduates college she is going to be mid/late 60s, which kind of freaks me out.

I'd like to hear from some older parents or people in similar situations to get their point of view if possible. It just seems hard to find people my own age that I am compatible with...and I have been on a TON of dates. I think the time aspect is freaking me out the most and having to make a decision sooner than later. ahhhhhhh

 

the age doesnt bother me. the kids do.

have you met them? dating a woman with kids is complicated. when you break up, you break up with all of them.

she is pretty old for having kids. that is another issue. damn. i am good friends with older parents. it beats them down. one group now have a special needs kid. she was 43 and they got accidentally pregnant. the kid is cool, and the parents are cool..but it changed their lives. damn. i have no real advice.

 

Nobody can really answer for you. You just need to go with your vibes and what you are feeling.

As far as the age difference itself, it is not as extreme as say a 34 year old dating a 20 year old, as the level of maturity and life experiences are more evenly matched. The difference in age is more academic and both parties have sufficient experience in life to make mature decisions while thinking about the future.

Only you can decide how important the age diff is, however. I would just ask the question--will a long-term commitment make you happy? Again, only something you can address.

Sorry. That's the best I can offer.

 

I guess my biggest question is for anyone having kids while 42+. I realize it is my decision, I was just seeing if anyone had any input on having kids at a later time in life. Her youngest now is 8, oldest is 16. Her having kids does not scare me and I have met them all. They are all really cool kids.

My buddy just had a kid, at age 44. His wife is 35. Obviously it would be a lot harder physically on a woman since she's gotta carry it. I had some friends in highschool that had parents in their 60-70s and they just seemed so old to me at the time. I dunno. Just thinking out loud I guess.

 

I understand what you mean. But I think you are really looking for someone to tell you something specific that will make up your mind. Even if someone had input from the same situation, that doesn't mean you will have the same results--good or bad.

There really is no difference between having a kid at any specific age in terms of how you will raise the child. Some people have kids later in life. Some don't. Some are good parents. Some are bad. Just like all others in any age group. I wouldn't get too hung up on this aspect in terms of age.

If you aren't sure about where you want to go, just tell her you would rather not rush into anything. If she gets upset and wants some hard and fast commitment right now, I would see that as a red flag perhaps. In that situation, it might possibly be that she is getting into the midlife mode and is worried a bit and is primarily concerned with someone to take care of her via support, etc...

I don't mean this the wrong way. But a lot of times when people ask these types of questions, they are only looking for positive validation or statements that encourage them to make a decision either way. I don't think you should think like that. As I said, just let it sit for a while and see how it goes. If she cannot handle that, it might not be in your best interests. Just IMO, of course. I am no relationship expert. I just wouldn't rush into it and go all out with commitments to her if you are not 100% sure. Four months is really not enough to get to know someone to the point that you are willing to commit the rest of your life to them and raise their kids and yours. If you feel the same way after a year, that's a pretty good sign. I would also not cohabitate until you reach a commitment as then you have a common law marriage by law and you will be resonsibile financially in some regards even if things don't pan out. There are just as many bad things that can go wrong in a situation like this as good. With the children involved, you need to be sure of what you really want before commiting and cohabitating. It can turn into a personal and financial mess real quick if it turns sour. A coworker of mine had a situation like this and ended up paying spousal and child support even though they were never married and they were her kids.

There is a reason single women with children often find it hard to find a spouse. A lot of guys are afraid of getting trapped into a common law relationship and then not having it work out. Again, please don't take that the wrong way. That's just my take. You need to proceed slowly. You may find that six months from now, your feelings changed and after living together that long, you are screwed in common law court and she gets half the paycheck when you move out and split.

 

Bottom line, I think you need to move on. If your goal is to have a family of your own, and not just inherit her kids she is not the right match for you. Women in their 40s have a much higher incidence of disabled children. Many have fertility issues and thus it takes longer to get pregnant. No sense leading her on only to divorce her after she is unable to provide you what you want.
Just an opinion....

 

I also hope the OP doesn't think we are being too harsh. Just cautious. I assume the OP wanted realistic and honest advice. There are just more things that can go bad in a situation like this than would be typical between younger folks without kids when and if the relationship soured.

 

Yeah after age 40 the risks of birth defects really rises as do risks to her health. If anything you need to be 100% certain you're both on the same page regarding kids. She may be taking the "eh if it happens, eh ok, if not no biggy", while you're wanting to really look into it because you don't wanna be forty and missing out on an important life goal.

 

This X10000.

As another member already said, if its the whole family thing which is your biggest issue then I am going to say STRONGLY CONSIDER the bolded. After 35 it becomes harder and more "risky" for women to have children because of birth defects and such. I work with children, and I have many years of experience working with/taking care of them. I currently work with children who have a lot of mental disabilities (and keep in mind, this is just minor mental stuff) such as slight autisim and ADD/ADHD, and although they're cool kids I couldn't imagine having them all day. It is exhausting. Kids are exhausting in general, but add the disabilities and its a whole different level of commitment and work. Which leads me to my next point: She may be taking the "eh if it happens, eh ok, if not no biggy", approach now, but trust me, she will NOT be thinking the same way later if she KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS the risks stated above.

Lastly and most importantly: I think the decider is if you LOVE her and can't imagine life without her, and this you will know once you've seen how "unsweet" she can be, and when you see what/who she doesn't put in front of her, and since you mentioned it, once THERE IS NO SEX! Regardless (and this is only my opinion) you've only been dating 4 months, that is WAY to early to be talking about kids and such, regardless of your age.

Good luck man, regardless of what you choose enjoy her, enjoy life, and just take this as experience. I wish you the best and keep us updated!

 

I appreciate all the responses and I don't think anyone is being "harsh". We both own our own houses, so cohabiting wouldn't happen for a while if it got to that point. She lives too far from my work, and my house isn't setup for 3 kids yet.

I know the risks increase over 40 having kids, but I've briefly done some research. Most information doesn't include if the women lived healthy lifestyles prior or not. She doesn't have any illnesses, doesn't smoke, drink heavily, and she runs 3x week. I also heard that it's different if it's your first kid vs their 4th kid. I am not saying she will be 100% ok, the concern is still there no doubt...just that a healthy individual over 40 is likely not going to produce the same results as someone that has lead an unhealthy lifestyle.

I am not looking for validation, I am looking for anyone that might have a similar story and how it worked out in the end. Good or bad, I'd like to hear of some complications for instance, that maybe I never thought of before.

Here's a picture after a bike race last weekend of us.

 

dude she's hot!

keeper!!!!!!!!!!

 

If both of you are on the same page then go ahead and complete the book.

 

Does she make you happy? And, by happy, I mean do you get to be yourself, enjoy the things that make you the person you are and she-in turn- enjoys those things with you?

Beyond the physical attraction, do you have thoughts of what life could be like with this woman? Do you geinuinely seek to be her partner outside of the bedroom?

The age is a minor, yet significant consideration. But, that really is something only you can tell yourself if it is a problem or hangup. If you are in love, happy and share a common interest of having a child, then great. I read what others say about the increased risk of birth defects and such. Having a child is a risk. If it something you have agreed upon, go for it.

We do not know the circumstances (and I am not asking) of how she separated from the children's father. How do they feel towards you? How are they towards their biological father? And are you ok in dealing with him occassionally? Are you truly prepared to get an "instant" family? Are they welcoming of you as their "dad" when it comes to punishment and reward?

Have you considered the financial impacts of now having three chilcdren and wanting another? Are you willing to sacrifice some so they have things and you do not?

I could go on. But, IMO, the only things that matter are the first questions I asked- Are YOU happy and are you able to make her happy by being YOURSELF?

Good Luck.

 

You have only been dating her for 4 months and your already talking about marriage and having kids???? You need to let this relationship ride out at least a year or so before considering either one of those decisions. Remember...this is just my opinion. I'm in my late 40's and 21 years into my second marriage. I put way more thought into getting married the second time unlike my first marriage. She is a hottie, give it some more time to make sure she is the one.

 

ummm, yeah.....we're gonna need more pictures before we can truly give you an honest opinion!!! (in the voice of the lady's man)

 

I say only stay with her if you 1) give up having any kids of your own 2) you are able to love her kids as your own.

The risk of birth defects increases significantly in women her age. Being a great step daddy is awesome and you can be loved as a father even though your not the biological father.

 

Yes, she currently makes me very happy and is fun to be with outside the bedroom.

financially shouldn't be a problem since she is supporting them herself right now.

I have met the kids a couple times and they have really taken to me she said. they are already mentioning me which is cool.

I am not looking to get married and have kids right away. Just...her time to do so is rapidly ending. Her chances of having a kid 2 years from now will be a lot worse than right now for instance. That is all. She is not pushing for it to be clear.

 

OP, obviously it is up to you. The one thing I will say is, if you are questioning it now, then you will be later also. So chances are this will be something that you will never fully get over or be able to get past. IMO decide now, before her and especially the kids get too attached to you.

 

I respect her for not throwing you in front of the kids right away. Kids get attached and are usually left not understanding a break up. It's up to you bro.

 

all i can say is good luck, if the risk of you wanting kids outweigh all the bad stuff, then go for it, it is... alot to think about in 4months, personally i realize her clock is ticking, you however are the same age as I, and I dont feel like I personally could handle all that, baby at 44, mom is 60 when kid learns to drive, etc, but I do have friends with older parents and they are ok with it. but 4 months... so fast to make these kind of decisions but if she's the one, she's the one!