Joke of the Day

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

 

A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to

interview him.


"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.


"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.


The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,



pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.




"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

 

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an
'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later when she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He
jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and
with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you
mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But
sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show
me face in "Dunkin Donuts" again!


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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute hot girl in the office but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said: "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you" The girl looked at him and said: "NO!" Eddie said: "I'll be so fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and i'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the siruation. Her boyfriend says: " Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half and hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks: " What happened?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply: "The asshole had all quarters!"

 

So, this is a true story. Just happened yesterday and since it was a "joke" I'm posting it here.

Well, yesterday was my friend's 21st birthday. A big group of us went out for pizza around lunch time and a huge party that night. Anyways, this particular guy has diabetes and has to watch what he eats (no sweets and what not) and hardly ever drinks at all. This is a picture of the cake another friend got him.

Baskin Robins Ice Cream Oreo Cake:



(If you can't tell, it says "Fuck Diabetes")

 

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine
looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says.
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"

 

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on
> a door and
> a
> shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee
> answered the
> door.
>
> He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
>
> 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
>
> She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
> 'Are they as
> firm as this?'
>
> He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,''
> and a little tear ran from
> his
> eye.
>
> Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,
> 'Are they
> nice
> and pink like this?'
>
> The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear
> came from the other eye.
>
> Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,
> 'Are they as
> fuzzy as this?'
>
> He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down
> crying.
>
> She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
>
> Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my
> corn, the flood got my
>
> soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think
> I'm gonna get
> fucked out of my peaches.'

 

This is wrong, but it will make you laugh.

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"

 

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?"

 

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
the White House, he was carrying baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

 

Hahahaha! Nice!

 

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The
dad says "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have
a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the
head and says "What do you want fat head?"

The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back
of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice
big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house.
You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge
of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy,
and I had that until fat head came along!!!

 

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteerto tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly anymoral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he'sbeen drinking."

 

Yesterday I bought 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the Purina dog food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they
lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her
skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went
home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

 

The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S Marine
Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff,
battalion and company commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing,
the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night
before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was
work, and how much of it was pleasure?

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25%
in favor of work. A captain said it was 50-50%.

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private
who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded,
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would
have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

Classic....... I love it!

 

English is a Crazy Language


Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.

 

To carry on that thought.

Our language - ridiculous

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

 

Golfing

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."