E-mails from an ASSHOLE

If you want a laugh then click on the link.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

In short, it is a guy who responds to CL type ad/wants and just plain out messes with the person, some are mild and some made me cry of laughter while reading it.

 

Here is one that had me rolling

Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter
​

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

 

It took me about 7 min to read this because I kept busting out in laughter. Me and my GF read these together, something we both laugh at.

Racist Microwave Buyer ​

Original ad:
WANTED - Microwave
I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY


​

From Me to *********@************.org:

I have a LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said whites only, but I am an African American. I sincerely hope that this won't be a problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business.

Thank you,
Jamal

From Amy ****** to Me:

I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be white, because it would match my kitchen.

Amy

From Me to Amy ******:

Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can't read? It really is amazing that the world we live in is still so racist. I'm sorry, but your insults have left me feeling sick. I don't think I can sell my microwave to a bigot.

Sincerely offended,
Jamal

From Amy ****** to Me:

I wasn't suggesting that you couldn't read. I'm not racist. If you read my whole email you would see that the ad was looking for a white microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion.

Amy

From Me to Amy ******:

So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole e-mails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does $20 for the cross sound fair?

From Amy ****** to Me:

I can't write anything without you being offended! I give up!

From Me to Amy ******:

So you don't want the microwave?

From Amy ****** to Me:

Will you still sell it to me?

From Me to Amy ******:

I would never sell anything to a racist.

From Amy ****** to Me:

Ugh I'm done with you.

 

Ok this is a funny one too.

Operation: Soccer Escort

​

Original ad:

I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!


​

From Me to ************@comcast.net

Good afternoon.

My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

Sincerely,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

- Kate

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

From Kate ******** to Me

Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


(later, from another e-mail account)

From Nick Walken to Kate **********

Dear Kate,

I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

Nick

From Kate ******** to Me

what in the hell...

 

You must be new here

 

lol, funny shit

 

omg the jewish one is awesome!
"I don't have the link, my wife had to use the computer and I had to delete my history because I was watching porn"

 

LMAO, awesome link, thanks.

 

Chrome- new incognito tab
IE- Open in Private Browsing
FF- Enter Private Browsing.

No need to delete cache and cookies to hide porn if the cache and cookies will never be written to the hard drive.

Enjoy the safe fapping now

 

That is awesome.

 

Be careful selling anything on cl lol

 

The one where he is trying to get to a guys house to buy a TV had me in tears laughing. Nice find OP

 

awesome

 

I havent used all three...

 

lmao he kills the truck full with a fork

 

Helpful Mechanic
Posted at: 2009-10-07 11:21:36
Original ad:
I have a 1998 nissan that rear ended someone last week. There is some minor damage that need fixed...but I cant afford to go to a body shop..anyone who is willing to help for less would be doing me a HUGE favor. thanks!
From Me to ***********@**********.org

Hey, how's it going.

I'm a mechanic looking to do some work on the side, and I can probably help you out with your car. How bad is the damage to the car?

Mike

From Kristen ****** to Me:

Hi Mike. The damage isnt bad...my hood is bent and i think the headlight cracked...but I took it for an estimate and they told me i was looking at at least a couple thousand for repairs. im not sure if they are trying to rip me off so take a look if you want. sorry...this is the best picture i could get with my phone

thanks!



From Me to Kristen ******:

Ouch...that doesn't look good, Kristen. From glancing at the picture, it is obvious you are going to need a new hood, fender, and headlight. It looks like your headlight is indeed cracked, and it looks like you probably severed the headlight fluid line as well. From the way the hood is bent, it looks like your transmission has been dislodged and will probably have to be replaced. Judging by the headlight damage, I may have to replace your headlight fluid pump as well, and I need to take out the motor to get to that. It is going to be a lot of work.

How much were you looking to spend to get this fixed?

From Kristen ****** to Me:

wow i didnt think it was that bad...do you think you can fix it? i cant afford to spend alot of money on this.

From Me to Kristen ******:

I can absolutely fix it. I can probably steal the parts you'll need from a junkyard, but you will have to post my bail if I get caught again. Last time, bail was about $400 and I had to pay another $500 fine after court. As for the labor, it is going to cost you about $1500. Replacing the headlight fluid pump is very difficult, and will probably take a lot of time to do. So you are looking at anywhere from $1500 to $2400.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

ok thanks anyway. that is too much for me...ill just deal with it for now i guess

From Me to Kristen ******:

Kristen, I strongly advise you to get this fixed immediately. You will not pass inspection without a headlight fluid pump, and it is very dangerous to be driving without one. It is very likely that your car could catch fire and explode while you are driving.

Look, I understand you are on a budget and I'd be willing to knock a couple hundred bucks off of the cost of labor if I can have your car's CD player. You won't get a better deal anywhere else.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

what?! the other guy didnt say anything like that. im going to get a few more opinions first, ill let you know. thanks

From Me to Kristen ******:

Don't take too long - your car is in immediate danger.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

I just called the auto center and they said there is no such thing as a headlight fluid pump...or headlight fluid...they were laughing...what is your problem douche bag?

From Me to Kristen ******:

Whoever you talked to there obviously has no idea what they are talking about. Look, you can see it in the picture, you are clearly leaking headlight fluid. I pointed it out in the attachment, it is what the red arrow is pointing to. You can see it leaking from the headlight.



From Kristen ****** to Me:

Ok ass hole...thanks for wasting my time

From Me to Kristen ******:

Sorry for trying to save your life. You'll be sorry when that fluid ignites and makes your transmission explode while you are driving.

 

Thats some funny shat right there...lmao

 

That just goes to show how gullible some peeps are lmao.

 

This one is my favorite so far, i was dying reading this.