Joke of the Day

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!"

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"

 

sub'd, some of these are great!

 

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits"

 

Good ones today.

 

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."
The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old". The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?" The little boy said: "No......by minding his own business."

 

Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"

 

Teacher: Billy stop making ugly faces at other students
Billy: Why??
Teacher: Well, when I was your age, I was told that if I kept making ugly faces, my face would stay that way.
Billy: Well, I can see you didn't listen.

 

Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F "?
A - almost gone
B - barelly noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - exremely big
F - Fake

 

23dec2007 - funny stuff man! love your pic in your sig. but because of that pic i can't read your posts at work

 

Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
"Well, - Ole replied to the assembled husbands, - I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded: "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Ole proudly replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her."

 

Two friends only had enough money to get a hot dog. But they really wanted some more drinks. The first Friend says to the other one, "Hey, look I've got an idea. You give me your money and I'll go and get us a hot dog." The other one said, "Hell, I don't want a hot dog. I want to get drunk."
The first friend replied, "Just listen, I'll get a hot dog with nothin' on it, throw the bun a way, and I'll stick the hot dog down my pants. When we get to the bar and order our drinks, we'll down them real quick, and when the bartender tells us the price, I'll whip out the hot dog while you jump down and act like you're blowing me, and he'll throw us out for being gay." The other friend says, "Ok, sounds like a good idea to me."
Well they walked into the first bar. The first friend said to the bartender, "I'll have a double shot of Burboun, and my friend will have one too." The bartender poured them their drinks, they downed them real quick, and the bartender said, "That'll be $10.50." So the first guy whipped out the hot dog while his friend dropped to his knees and started to blow the hot dog. The bartender almost came over the bar yelling, "Get the hell out of here, you cocksuckers." "Well that worked pretty good," said the other friend. They ended up hitting 19 bars like this, until, finally, the other friend said, "We gotta stop this, my knees are starting to hurt." The first friend looked at him and said, "You think that's bad, I lost the hot dog on the third bar."

 

Sorry!!

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said... "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

Three nuns sitting in the convent one night. The first nun said to the other two, "you should have seen what I did to Father last night , I put a condom in his coat pocket". The second nun said ,"I found it and poked a hole in it". The third nun FAINTED !

 

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court with Mickey standing before the judge. The judge announces: "Mr.Mouse, I'm sorry but we cannot grant you the divorce on the grounds that you say your wife is crazy". Mickey responded: "Goddamn it, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was Fucking Goofy."

 

As forest would say...it happens!!! I just sneak and use the tapatalk app on the phone to read em!!!

 

This guy goes to a bank and walks up to a lady teller and says: "I wanna open a fucking bank account." The teller goes: "Sir, would you please stop using profanity." The guy goes: "Look, I wanna open a mother fucking bank account" The lady goes: "Sir, your language is offensive and uncalled for and if you persist in using foul language, I will have to go get the manager!" The guy goes: "Look, I just wanna open a God damn fucking bank acccount".
At that the teller storms off to the manager and brings him back. The manager goes: "What seems to be the problem here?" The guy goes: "Look, I wanna open a fucking bank account for $900,000.00." And the manager goes: "And this BITCH is given you trouble?"

 

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida, his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email, unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen. "DEAREST WIFE... JUST GOT CHECKED IN... EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."

 

A skinny white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pounds of testicles. Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and shaking him: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice th elitle guy says: "What exactly did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 lbs, I have a 20 inch cock and my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'TURN AROUND'."

 

A woman was nagging her husband that he needs to cut the grass, the husband answer was: "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again: "Honey, can you fix the faucet? The husband replied: "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?" 2 days later a light bulb goes out, she begged him again: "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was: "What am I? An electrician?"
Few days later he comes home from work and the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. He is very surprised. "Honey! What happened here?" The wife replied: "You know, we have this new neighbour next door, and he came over and fixed everything." The husband said: "Honey! And how did you pay him?!?" "Oh, you know, the wife said: "He told me that I can either bake a cake or have sex with him." "Yeah, Honey!? So what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?"