Joke of the Day

A guy Walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says,

'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?

Cabbie:'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie:'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano. He was an amazing guy .

Passenger:'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do
everything right'

Passenger:'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie:'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie:'Well......... I never actually met Frank, he died...........I
married his widow..'

 

Obama is president of the United States

 

That should be in the "Things that make you say... WTF!" thread.

http://www.tacomaworld.com/forum/of...10-things-make-you-say-wtf-51.html#post706628

 

Agreed! Would also make a wonderful post in the useless post thread, lol, among others.

 

Back in WWII, a private was moving along with his infantry unit. A fierce firefight broke out and the whole platoon had to retreat. amidst all of the fighting, the young private lost his weapon. he went to his platoon leader with his problem.

the commanding officer realized that the boy was really in a tight spot with this. So the officer said here take this broom stick and if you see a German soldier, point the stick at him and yell BANGITY, BANG BANG.

once you do this, he said, the german will fall to the ground dead.
so the private took his advice and sure enough he killed 3 germans later on.
the next day, the private was on patrol and he spotted another german soldier.
he took careful aim and said the magic words. But, nothing happened.
the soldier tried it again. still nothing happened. the german was getting closer and closer. soon the german was 25 feet away from him. then german soldier comes up to him and says TANKITY TANK TANK

 

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint




when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

 

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to shit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before
gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of
course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

 

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night
celebrating St Patrick's Day.



Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."



Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."



Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.



"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.



He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite!"



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.



He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.



He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.



"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.



He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way", but he crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."



He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".



Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"



"Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

What's green and and will kill you if it falls from a tree?



A Pool table.



What's Green and sits in a corner?



A naughty Frog.

 

Tom was driving along - carefully, when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even
further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's' pace.






Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine tickets for not wearing a seat belt.

 

At least it has a chance of being considered humor. Which (I think) is better than what might have been if Hillary had made it.

 

No doubt

 

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'
had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone
money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no
pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend
was,....... well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except
the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical
thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said,
'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends,
including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the
contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started......
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

 

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he
couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him
go.


After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.



When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week
who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up,
fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"



"I didn't have to," was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went
home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, surprise!! When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through
negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and
you can do whatever you want." “So Here I am!”

 

Why did the monkey go to jail?

He was running a Chimponzi scheme!

 

Yesterday I was at
my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,
Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since
I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost
50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was
essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your
pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was
going to try
it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended
up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I
stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us
both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

 

I stole this off another forum

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks
the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally
hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the
limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he
hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...







Are you ready for this?)








' ' ' ' ' ' ' (Are you sure?)







' ' ' ' ' ' ' (This is bad!)








' ' ' ' ' ' ' (It's not even a Blonde Joke!)










' ' ' ' ' ' ' (Last chance!)








' ' ' ' ' ' (OK, here it is!)




' ' ' ' ' ' ' It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."