Joke of the Day

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

 

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

 

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

 

A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

A man walking on a beach say a bottle, picked it up, rubbed it, and poof a genie came out and said "Master I will give you two wishes."
The man thought for a while and said "I wish I could be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
The genie said "Your wish is muy command." and poof the man turned into a toilet.

 

A couple is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved the gold locket in the window but we couldn’t afford it, so I told you I would buy it for you one day?” Choked up, the wife replies, “Yes, how could I ­forget?” Her husband goes on, “Well, I’m at the bar next door to it if you need me.”

 

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

 

A Guy Walks Into a Hillbilly Bar and orders a white wine.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada. I’m a taxidermist.”
The barkeep asks, “what in tarnation is a taxidermist? You drive a taxi?”
“No. I mount animals,” the guy explains.
The bartender grins and yells to his patrons, “It’s OK, boys – he’s one of us!”

 

“Mr. Clark, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce-court judge says, “and I’ve decided to award your wife $775 a week.” “That’s very fair, Your Honor” the husband says. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send a few bucks myself.”

 

An Old Fart Goes to Confession and says, “Father, I’m 82, and I just slept with two women.”
The priest says,” Say three Hail Marys and all will be forgiven.”
“I don’t know the Hail Mary,” the old man says. “I’m not Catholic.”
“Then why are you telling me?” asks the priest.
“Telling you?” the guy says. “I’m telling everyone!”

 

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"

The second nun said, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"

The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"

The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

 

does not get it any more. at least not at home.

 

DAMN there were some GOOD ONES today--shared with friends -they were funny as hell.

 

Q: How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?
A: Pretty hot

 

The Smith family is driving behind a trash truck when a large dildo flies out and hits their windshield. To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"

Her seven year old son responds, "Yeah, I’m surprised it could even fly with a dick that big!"

 

“When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job.” Sue tells her friend Carol. “The day after, it’s all better. You should try it.”
A day later Sue asked Carol is she followed her advice.
“I sure did!” grinned Carol. “And your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

 

Q: What’s the difference between and dog and a fox? A: Four beers