Tools Explained.

Saw this on another forum a while back and got a good laugh at it, and i find it pretty true. Though this could be a cool thread on here since so many like doing their own work, So Lets here your thoughts and stories that may go along with these.

Tools Explained


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

 

Found my son of ***** tool tonight. I was cutting the u bolts down so I could torque them and got my hand in between the shock and u bolt. Ripped my finger up really nice held my cool until I got in the house and then saw the blood.

 

COIL SPRING COMPRESSOR: Widow Maker

 

I have seen some bad videos of spring compressors breaking and hitting stuff/people.

 

that's freakin classic....I gotta print that out and hang it in the shop

 

Love it haha

 

Brain: a tool used in wood working to memorize a dimension and automatically subtract one inch just before your cut.

 

thats also thru! I try and make a mental note to cut stuff longer just because of this. I can always go back and cut it shorter if i need to.

 

Measure twice, cut once haha

 

haha i need this in my garage lol

 

Printed and Laminated....thanks for the laugh.

 

i havent laughed that hard in a long time

 

I couldn't quit laughing

This is perfect. Printing it out and laminating it as well

 

This is going up at work lol

 

This is amazing. Definitely worth of printing large scale and hanging it in the garage!

 

Love it

 

Shortly after this I look at my wife and tell her I guess I need a new one of those....

 

WRENCH: A tool commonly used for involuntarily punching nearby nuts and bolts.

 

Putting this in the shop, thanks for the laugh op!