Married or divorced? Need advice

**EDIT**

SEE POST 108, turned out fairly well I say.

https://www.tacomaworld.com/threads/married-or-divorced-need-advice.331813/page-6#post-12701436

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When do you know you're ready to get married?


My girlfriend & I are young -23-
And I've been around the block & have no problem settling down. I knew the night I met her she was the one and it's been perfect for the last 4 years together.
we both have our undergrad degrees... I've got a career... Even have the cash to buy an engagement ring.

All seems perfect.
But every single person starting with my great grandpa has gotten divorced.
I mean extended family included and every one of them were as ready as I feel to jump the broom & break the family curse
Until it fell apart. Some have been married three times even. So naturally, I'm mortified of continuing the failed marriage curse.

So.
How do you know you're ready?

 

If you feel called to ask her to marry her then ask her! If you are worried about divorce then you need to realize marriage isn't a easy journey. There will be a lot of struggle in the future, but being able to get past the fights and problems is the biggest piece to the puzzle. I might also suggest if you are a Christian about asking couples who have been married for years about tips they would give you. also pray about it if you are a believer.

 

dude, here's the thing. I am just like you, actually got married at 22. I am now 23, and we have been together for 4 years, 1 married. Marriage is what you make it. if you want to get divorced, do things your way without ever communicating with your wife, treat her like shit, don't listen to her, etc. You have to be able to go into it thinking this is the person im going to be with for the rest of my life, dont even give yourself divorce as an option. you are both going to change, but you both need to stay communicating, and do things you both love together but, dont do EVERYTHING together, you need your time with your friends and family, and she needs her time with her friends and family separate. if you do everything together, you will never have anything to talk about. as long as you stay by her side, and defend her, even when her side seems totally fucked up, and dont ever humiliate her, you will be all set. also, dont become too "cool" for date nights, and telling her you love her.

 

can you live without her? if the answer is yes forget it. And yes if you aren't already living together you should do that first. you learn a lot about someone when you live together. it can be a deal breaker sometimes

 

I got married at 20 after being with the girl sine I was 16. We got divorced exactly 1 year later. I think me joining the Army may have had a big role in the divorce, but shit happens. I cut my losses and moved on. I got married for the 2nd time a year later. We been through a lot of crap, but at the end of the day we know where each of us stand and no matter what we want to be with each other. The way I see it if things are perfect now what's the reason to get married? My dad said the only benefit from marriage is taxes and insurance rate drops a little, haha. Marriage is just a title now adays. My wife and I both know we wouldn't have gotten married when we did if I hadn't been in the Army, because without being married she wouldn't have been able to move around with me or get the healthcare they offer. In the end only you can decide what you want to do though.

 

First marriage is a practice marriage.

 

Not something to think about seriously until 30 or older.

 

LOL!

So true for too many.
My first? Straight out of high school in 1981.
By 1984 we were separated and I was back home with Mom & Dad and in college.
1986 I was living with my girlfriend... married her in '87.

Still with her.

Mom and Dad got married in 1948 and they are still together.

 

Some folks are better at marriage than others, but there's really only one way to find out.

 

As long as you don't think with your little brain...

Funny... I remember when I was 4 or 5, said to my mom that my nuts looked like a little brain. She smiled and told my dad that I was smarter than they thought.

 

"Why do men name their dicks?"

"Because we wouldn't want a stranger to be making all the important decisions in our lives."

 

When you don't need to post it on a truck forum. Just saying.

 

Has she seen your list of mods? I hope she is blonde
COMMUNICATION! Agree on how the money will be budgeted before you get married. Money fights are the leading cause of divorce. Be a man and be ready to swallow your pride for her. She is your wife, respect and honor her!

 

Impressive coming from a 23 year old ... you are wise beyond your years.

To the OP ... both of you will change a lot in the next 10 years so expect that it will happen and be ready for it. Try not to be selfish with your needs because you're in it together as a team and you (both of you) should be acting in a way that is right for your family and the common good, not just for each of you personally. Whether you can work at life together as a team in the long term depends a lot on your core beliefs and approaches to the big things and self-analysis can be really hard to do for anyone. If you fundamentally have different approaches to life, it can cause tension so you need to figure out if you're OK with how each other does things or not. I'm not talking about the small stuff, more things like if you're a city or country person, do you want a small house or a big house, your approach to money (saver or spender) etc ... Sometimes the differences help expand your comfort zone and grow as a human and sometimes it causes misery so you need to at least take a shot at understanding where you are with stuff. Having said that, life is full of unknowns and there is a lot stress that can come from thinking you can control life. You can't, shit happens all the time and you have to roll with it. If you wake up with the attitude that today I'm going to do the right thing and make a positive difference, no matter what that is, you'll be fine. I can honestly say that getting married and being a good father is the most rewarding thing I have ever done with my life. If you asked me when I was 23 if I should get married I probably would have run screaming for the hills but now that I'm approaching 50, there's nothing I would rather do more. I could probably write a novel about this ... haha. Just remember that you set your own path and its irrelevant what anyone else in your family had happen in their marriages. You choices and actions are your own. You can be the difference.

 

18 years and counting, let no one discourage you about getting married. It's for some people , and then it's not. My wife can tell if another couple going to to last ,by the way their dating . If they always breaking up ,or fighting that's how their marriage going to be. We both got married young, and divorced, when we met we knew we were going to be together for along time. Marriage is not always wine and roses, there are going to be hard times, it just makes the bond stronger. Good luck.

 

IMHO, I say just wait a couple more years. It's amazing how many people think they "know everything" and that they're "mature" at your age and younger. I'm not saying everyone is this way, but I've watched many young people grow up significantly in just that age range (Marines, Interns, New employees). Just give it 2 more years and see how things go. Don't rush. Also, as stated...communications, trust, financial stability. One lesson I learned is that what's mine isn't always mine and what's hers...is hers. lol. One thing I have seen a lot of lately from my young folks is the many mistakes they make on social networks and hidden emails....hidden accounts kill a marriage/relationship.

 

All depends on how selfish you/she is. Do you want to marry a "mom" a "sister" or do you want a wife. If you marriage is Christ centered it is much more meaningful. I know most will scoff and make fun of that but it is true.

 

My only piece of advice. I have been with my wife for 8 years. This Sunday the 8th we have been married a year. The reason I knew that she was the one for me is because after all this time she has and still is my best friend. If you know that your girlfriend is your best friend then she may be the right one for you. Don't worry about your family history because history is and has always been meant to be changed.

 

Everybody will have differnet opinions. I say dont rush. I didnt get married till I was 32, didnt have kids till 34. you have a lot of years ahead of you so no rush.

OTOH if you have a strong relationship and sounds like you are prepared financially nothing says you cant go for it. But in that case Id also say dont rush into having kids... live you life a bit in your 20s and experience things. Buy a house, make sure you are investing for retirement, pay off short term debt... and have fun, travel etc. Once you do have kids your life stops being about you and is about them for 20 years and you dont get a do over.

Just dont wait tooo long on kids if you want kids as it gets biologically harder to do as you get older (you would be suprised how many people have trouble having children and it gets more and more common after 30). Late 20s is probably a good medium, not too early not too late.

And as others said when you get married make sure to communicate... really communicate. Have your life together but also keep independent interests. Don't be afraid to argue. Thats healthy and means you are talking. Ive heard of lots of stories of people whose spouse asked them for a divorce out of the blue after 10, 20 or more years and hey say "but we never ever fought" Yah that's right you both just held it in and stewed in unhappiness. On the flip side I know of old retired couples celebrating 50 years who fight every day.. and make up.

My wife and I bicker almost daily ... and we are also very happy together

Good luck!

 

Lol +1

My first lasted just under a year when I was 22, maybe 23. But I'd only known the girl and dated her for 3 months before we got hitched! Shocker it didn't work out.

After that I took a few years off from dating and then my sister set me up with the love of my life. Been together 6 years now, married 5, and just had our first kiddo last July.

Marriage is definitely not easy, which is why so many people just throw in the towel when it starts to get hard. It is a full time job and takes a TON of work to maintain, but it's totally worth it.

You just gotta be sure YOU make yourself happy in life. Don't rely on your wife/girlfriend to make you happy because there will be times she won't and then you'll want to give up on the marriage.

Just my $.02