Sobriety.... One year later... Please Read.

I think what helped me was visiting the Ann Arbor V.A, two specific Doctors their I can attribute to helping me plant the foundation for a brighter future.

I was drinking 18 bud Ice a night, watching Liveleak.com until 5 am, getting up at 9 am going to school, then work until 9 pm. I would repeat the cycle six days a week. It culminated in an affair, and I had everything, house, truck, luckily my wife dragged me to the V.A.

She sat in listening to all the stuff I had buried deep inside, engagements, picking up body parts, bagging and tagging dead insurgents (which I thought didn't bother me) because I was ecstatic doing that.

I would travel to the V.A, half way their I would develop intense migraines so popping Extra Strength Tylenol was the norm until one day they just stopped.

I quit drinking like that for a year, then picked it up again for two years or so, until this past October. MY Voc Rehab officer, a MARINE brought me back from the brink. I am Army, but that MARINE is the "Epitome" of leave no one behind.

I realized this time, without anyone having to say it I'm an Alcoholic. I have been going to church, and working out. The night I came to the realization I was coping with alcohol again, I finished 5 32 oz beers. I know God put on my heart to get back into church, and he presented me with a question. "If you had to choose between alcohol or food for your children what would you honestly choose?"

I answered alcohol. I have been seeing a substance abuse counselor for the past couple months and feel another foundation has been laid for me to grow.

I have in the past week done EMDR look into it, in one sitting I was able to acknowledge that people lost in battle wasn't my fault, "WITHOUT GUILT" for thinking, let alone saying it.

I felt like I hadn't in years, coupled with good people at church, I am a new man. Well Besides occasionally pissing people off on Tacoma World with unorthodox thinking lol.

 

I too have seen things that the image never leaves your mind such as a little 6 year old
girl that went across the road to get the mail with her dog in a rural area. We were first on the scene with both of them hit by a vehicle blinded by the sun. Both of them deceased. I too found sobriety for the last 27 years. I had 3 girls around her age at the time.

 

The longer you go the easier it gets. The truth of the matter is you need someone to hold you accountable. It's hard to do it on your own. You need someone you can trust with all your deepest darkest secrets. Then and only then can you release your demons.

 

It's nice to see you fellas were able to get help when you needed it. As a civilian contractor at the Pentagon during 9-11, I was not qualified to receive any help from the military or the government, both state and federal. As a result, I had to find my own. It's been a long long road over the past 12-13 years, can't tell you how many times I sat on the bed and wondered whether or not it was worth continuing on.

 

Though the situations are somewhat dissimilar the outcome parallels what I went through. Worth a watch especially when he speaks about his daughter. I heard the exact same thing.


http://youtu.be/TJ94egNREik






​

 

I've been trying to quit drinking, but when you're self medicating it's difficult. I used to enjoy having a beer or 2 after work, but for the last year and a half I've drank every day because I feel I have to. I've drank since I was a teen, but not every day, and I went a year here and there where I didn't drink at all. I have a 2 year old daughter and a wife who's put up with it so far, but I know if I don't change something fast, I'll lose them both. Somehow, this still isn't enough to make me quit drinking, despite wanting to quit. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety and panic attacks, where I feel like I could drop dead any second. I started drinking every day after I lost my job xmas 2012. I've since been re-employed, at a much better company and job, but I still drink every day. Basically I traded drinking heavy Friday and/or Saturday to drinking every day. I'm also on a benzodiazepine, although less potent than xanax. My Mother, her Sister, Brother and Father were all alcoholics. Unfortunately, it killed my grandfather when I was young, and my mother new years 2001. I feel that if I don't change, this is where I'm headed.

 

PM'd

 

RearView will give you some very good first hand advice.

I come from a line of alcoholics on both sides of my family. Both Grandfathers drank excessively and it ended up taking their lives. Both of my parents vowed to not be like their fathers. They have been very successful with it. They have also passed that on to me. I rarely drink, and when I do, it is more socially than anything.

The chain of alcoholism can be broken. Once you break it, you will feel so much better. I wish you the best.

 

Sitting here wondering what to say to you after reading your story. Thank you doesn't cut it, but is certainly necessary.

I no longer do drugs, (spent 15 years smoking pot to medicate my own PTSD). Don't drink excessively, (but have had a few experiences in my 47 years that mirror the day you hit bottom). I'd say "I'm sorry you had to witness those things", but, candidly, you wouldn't be you if you hadn't. About the only thing I can say that seems appropriate is, we are all humans with failings. Your challenges and ability to rise above them both tell the world a lot about you. I'm glad you had your wife there to support you, your daughter there to love you, and (I hope I'm not out of line here) God there to look out for you.

Tonight, when I am laying in bed, with my three year old son next to me and my wife next to him, I will pray. I'll thank him for my life, my wonderful wife, my beautiful son, and for bringing you and your story to me. Then I will pray for those in need, and end it by asking for the opportunity to be of assistance to others as you have done.

Thank you, and God bless you and your family.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

Your TW handle makes all the sense in the world now......introspective self reflection....

 

Comes from a Pearl Jam song by the same name.

"Saw things so much clearer. Once you.... were in my.... rear view mirror"

And yes... it is very introspective.

 

I know it well..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=xfqzQKt9UeA

 

Sort of the same deal here...I had a grandfather and two uncles that died in an alcohol related way. Many of my extended family members drink excessively and their lives have gone wrong because of it. My parents never drank, at least never anything significant.

I don't at all. Never more than a taste...and honestly I can't deal with the bitterness of anything anyone has had me try. Don't want to find out I have the same issue that much of my family does. I value the way my life is too much to go down that road. I think stories like these just show me that I shouldn't fall back on that. If I never start, it'll never be a problem. Granted, I'm 22 so things could change but I just don't see myself changing my mind on that.

 

I think you're a wise man. I hope you never choose to go down that path. My biological father was a alcoholic and others in my family were also. But... I don't use that as a crutch. It was no ones fault but my own and I accept full responsibility. It was a sad set of circumstances that led me down that path and I wish I would have chosen more wisely. But I didn't.

I got a second chance that I do not intend to squander.

 

Hey, OP, been a while. Hope all is well and and stepping along one at a time....

 

Everything is well. Still clean and sober.

 

great to hear. all is good on this side as well....

 

I feel you brother. I'm 27 and have basically been drinking everyday since the age of 16-18. Like alot of others I come from a whole family of functional alcoholics. None of us have really ever had a problem with work or the law. I've known since childhood I was a alcoholic but frankly can't stand AA although I'm gonna give it another shot soon. My grandfather was a long time sponsor actually. It sucks because honestly I find it easier to quit smoking cigarettes then alcohol.

 

Alcoholism = The only disease you can get yelled at for having.


As stated in my first post I never really had a issue with alcohol / drugs until the floodgates opened with that one run. That is no excuse or a get out of jail free card though. I should have handled it in a much better way but I didn't. I too have alcoholism in my family but.... to put it bluntly, you can not use that as a crutch. I agree that genetics play a role in whether you are more predisposed to become dependent on alcohol but it is also a choice. I chose poorly.

If you truly want to quit you will find a way. If not... the way will be found for you. I don't mean that to sound harsh but surviving what I went though gives me a new perspective on the way things work. You may be a functioning alcoholic (I was) but eventually that will play out.

I tend to agree with you on AA. I think AA is a very good program. Great in fact. I would highly recommend it to anyone that is struggling. That said, it wasn't for me. I could get to the first step but that was it. In the end... it comes down to how much you want to quit. It is a life changing event and I will not lie and say that it is easy. But... once you get over the hump it no longer controls your life.

I hope you can get to that point.