Joke of the Day

^ I always thought it was to get the taste of the food out of its mouth!

 

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde.
They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.
So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.
The brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
The red head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
The blonde went home and walked into the bedroom.
She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the brunette and the red head are talking about going home early again.
They ask the blonde if she wants to leave early again.
- No, she says, yesterday I nearly got caught !

 

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries,
but, now we know...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .. you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you
should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...
you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...
you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.

 

hahaahahaha

 

Roland!!

 

why do midgets laugh when they run?........The grass tickles their Nuts

 

From my Email inbox today:

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I received an amusing email from one of my readers that makes
a perverse kind of sense. I thought I would share it to give
my U.S. readers a perspective on how some spectators over-seas
view what's going on here in the States.


We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are
even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer,
married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married
to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married
to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer
distributorship.

Is there a contest here?

 

Dude, thats freaking funny.... i almost piss my pants lol

 

piss away my friend...takes care of athletes crotch

 

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

 

Ten Signs you may be Taliban


10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.


9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.


8. You have more wives than teeth.


7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.


6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.


5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.


4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"


3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.


2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."


And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:


1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

 

1a. You just had a brand new AGM-114N Thermobaric Hellfire Missle delivered to your cave courtesy of the US Marine Corps.

 

A normal 30 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided To take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded To have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?". She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.". "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and tern came from a Eucalyptus tree.". "But, where did you get the tools?". "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expert woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his
eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.........

"Don't tell me you've got a Tacoma here?"

 

How do you get to Texas from South Carolina?


Head out west. When you smell shit, head south.

 

hahaha.....good one!! cant wait for good ol' sawdust to see this one!!! awesome!

 

I saw it. It's basically a slam against Oklahoma (get a map to see where you'd be when you turned south). I'm onboard with slamming them.

If that was intended to be a slam against Texas, you Carolina boys need to learn a bit of geography (and how to tell a joke).

 

Like, why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Texas sucks!

 

^Wrong.

What do an Oklahoma graduate, and a tornado have in common?

They both will end up in a trailer park.

 

What do Oklahoma twisters and divorces have in common?





Either way, someone's fixin' to lose a trailer!