Married or divorced? Need advice

^that
Is why I asked this forum.
Not because I'm not sure of myself or need approval from others, but because someday I hope to be an old (never divorced) married dude still playing with my truck & messin around on a forum like this. What better people to take advice from than exactly that?

 

True true... it does go both ways.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her... the problem is, what YOU know that you've done will hurt the relationship. She might figure it out, might not, but the damage will be done.

 

Holy crap. I paid $600 for the engagement and wedding ring together in a set. lol I was also 20 years old and in college.

 

Holly crap man it’s not about the price tag of the ring or how spectacular it is, it’s about what it stands for. If the women I planned to spend the rest of my life with expected this pricy ring I wouldn't have married her. At a young age I learned to avoid materialistic women because this is never a good thing.

Unless you have a shit ton of money why spend that much on a ring… who are you trying to impress and why does she have to have something so expensive?

*************
Got my wife's ring at Costco for $700, she loves it and felt bad I even spent that much.

 

This ^^^^

 

separate bank accounts = no fights about money.

 

Because I don't know any of you, I think I can be a little more open than with my immediate friends. My marriage is not complete shit, but it was headed there faster than I could blink. Turn around one day and see the complete mess that is so simple to create by putting something ahead of you and your family. We have gone to counseling for 6-months to date, trying to fix the wrongdoings of our first two years of marriage; and I can say with a breath of relief, things are improving.

I am not in the free and clear yet, but I think I can shed some light onto what drives most marriages into the toilet - lack of communication and honesty. I never put my wife ahead of myself and was relying too much on the word "marriage". Yeah, I got married to you in front of our family, friends, and whatever higher being you believe in. But I never understood that day was just a party; the real work is never taught to you and it is something you have to learn through trial and error. Fight when you need to, and make sure to always kiss and make up.

I still kept smoking pot behind my wifes back and was drinking more than I should have. Instead of being a man about it, I shriveled down and lied either blatantly or through omission. I was so wrapped up in my own little world that I never even saw the red flags - this was just the way it was. Fast forward almost three years of this behavior and wait to see what happens when the your cover is blown. Instead of being a man and being honest about smoking; I lied and lost trust in the one person who truly cared about me. There are far more factors that put me/us in this place, but this is the only I care to share.

Sorry for rambling on but it feels good to get some of it out there and hope that I can maybe help one person with my pain. Just realize how special what you and her would have and never forget to keep your marriage as #1; she will follow if you set the path.

And a final little piece from therapy that I was told and sticks with me: Marriage is like a house plant, you can go a couple days without watering it. But when it goes a few weeks in the sunlight without any attention, it could die away permanently.

 

OR

= the ability to trust

 

Just be open about it an honest and no need for separate accounts. You're marriage is a bond. You don't get married and have separate houses right? So why separate bank accounts.

 

My wife and I celebrated our 45th anniversary in March. First marriage for both of us. One of the biggest problems in a marriage is money or lack of it. Don't get in debt over your head buying stuff you don't really need. Another problem is communications, keep the line open both ways. Have time for your friends and she for hers. For most men your sex life will go down hill to the point it may not exist after many years. But love is not about having sex only, it's about how you treat each other, from an endearing comment or maybe just a hug or kiss. Don't ever be afraid or stubborn to say you are sorry.

 

Love all the posts on various threads that question what people spend their money on. It's his money, why do you care?

My wife wanted a cheap ring (i.e. not materialistic at all, which is how I knew she was "the one"). I spent a good chunk of change, because I wanted to.

 

Spent 3 K on exs sold it for 1k

 

As quoted from the guy leading to my response.

"What'd y'all spend on an engagement ring?
I've got 7k
But I know more than one guy who spent 25k+ ..... Which seems kinda absurd to me.
But what the hell do I know this is all new ground to me"

I don't give a rats ass how he spends his money, but he specifically asks how much to spend which tells me he's more focused on the price tag vs what the darn thing represents. This tells me he feels the need to satify her materialistic ways or he wants to impress her with the price tag of it.

I love all the people who question my questioning

 

Again, thank you everyone for the continued advice!

The night I met her I knew she was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. My friends gave me shit for it the first few months but three years later I've never been more sure of anything.

I know money doesn't mean anything but I only ask cause I'm flying blind here. I get cynical responses from my family because they've all had to sell their first rings and pay for divorce proceedings... It's encouraging to hear the ones that made it through it all.

I don't plan on spending much more than I've got saved up- she won't mind either- someone very very close to us got married a year or two back- dude gave her a ring worth a hundred grand. 50k for an incredible wedding and then the economy destroyed their business (thanks OBAMA) and in the same year of their wedding, their house was in forclosure and they were looking at that ring with hungry eyes knowing it meant forever and also meant selling it could pay their home off and feed them....

So she's over the extravagant nonsense. But I'm only buying one of these damn rings so I'm not gonna settle for anything diving into this blissful hell y'all call marriage

 

Well, I've gotten the blessing of her parents. No idea why I questioned this decision before. Here goes nothing

 

So back when my grandfather was growing up if something was broke you fixed it. There was no "buying new" This advice has stuck with me. Why is divorce an option. Just because its better at the moment doesnt mean its better in the long run. If you love each other get married. If you view divorce as an option dont get married

 

She said yes! Thanks for the advice my dudes.
The rest of my life is gonna be pretty fucking wonderful.

 

Congrats! She is pretty

 

True. Met my wife in church. She got right up in my face and asked me out
She had kids. Was freaked at first but they were good kids and that told me she was a good mom. It's my first marriage and her 2nd. We've been together now almost 15 yrs.
Good luck to ya.