Joke of the Day

hahaha rep for that one

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of
it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to

Tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff - spilled

Milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,

that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?

'Yes ma'am.. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Lois. She

Was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out

over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a

pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the

bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the
middle of 20 Iraqi troops.



She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of

bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and





then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.' 'Good Heavens.'

said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to
this horrible story?



'Stay the hell away from Aunt Lois when she's been drinking.'

 

Haha, I liked that one as well.

 

Redneck Divorce


HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'





















----------------

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....
























'Only when he's been drinking.

 

hahaha sucks to be him but that was pretty funny

 

Lumberyard

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. ​

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." ​

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." ​

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2009. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" ​

Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up." ​

 

I'm sure there are some repeats here but enjoy anyway

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE



What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

The position of the dirt bag.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why is divorce so expensive?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

Because it's worth it.
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


Doughnuts[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why is air a lot like sex?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What do you call a smart blonde?[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


A golden retriever.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What do attorneys use for birth control?[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
Their personalities.[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

10 years and 45 lbs[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
45 minutes[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

Through his chest with a sharp knife.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why do men want to marry virgins?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

They can't stand criticism.
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?


After a year, the dog is still excited to see you[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

Because they have cotton balls.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

"Are you sure it's mine?"[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

Mace will do that to you[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

Everyone has the same DNA.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

A different bar.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial].



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe".



How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?


Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
[/FONT]

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." - [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] [/FONT]

 

This shouldnt be funny, But it is​

Dumb Barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" ​

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. ​

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" ​

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves. ​

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. ​

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." ​

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?" ​

Joey says, "To your house!" ​

 

So Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux: "Why dem Scuba divers always fall backways off dem boats?"



To which Thibodeaux replies: "You dumb Coonass - If dey fell forwards they'd still be in de' boat."

 

Simple, classic humor. You can't ever go wrong with Boudreaux and Thibodeaux.

 

Games for old folks......


1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says - something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

 

+1

 

Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. ​

The population of this country is 237 million. ​

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. ​

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. ​

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. ​

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. ​

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. ​

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. ​

And you're sitting there reading jokes ​

 

This ones good​

Vegas Cab Driver

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby.He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab!". ​

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. ​

"Fifteen bucks" came the reply. ​

"And how much for you to give me oral sex during the way?" ​

"WHAT?!" Get the hell out of my cab,you scum!". ​

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result -- getting kicked out of each cab. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" ​

The cabby replied"Fifteen bucks". ​

The businessman said, "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs,the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. ​

 

Bubba's New Truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. ​

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?" ​

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied. ​

"She give it to ya? ​

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?" ​

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. ​

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! " ​

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!" ​

 

Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." ​

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" ​

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." ​

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" ​

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" ​

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." ​

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!" ​