Married or divorced? Need advice

At least there's a bell so you know where your balls are.

 

And that's only one....... more to come.

This advice comes from a family of long marriages. Good ones. There is a difference between long, or long and good.

My greats and grands were all in the 40-50 year range, ended by death.

My parents made 70, almost 71. My uncle is in the late 60 range.

I was widowed after 33 years. My current wife was widowed after 38 years.

We also have several friends well into the 40 year range. So it's not like it's impossible.

So I have 4 basic suggestions. I have a lot more, but I don't feel like typing that much, and you may not want to read it

Counseling. Get good solid premarital counseling. Not fluff stuff, but intensive. Both of you commit to full honesty in the process. You WILL find stuff that surprises you. You can either adjust to deal with it, or have a chance to walk away before it's too late. You'll know what to do.

Even after a combined 71 years of good previous marriage, my current wife and I got premarital counsel. 25 questions was it. Shockingly we'd only already considered about 1/2 of the material. And it took us some deep thought/conversation to deal with the rest. But we're glad we did.

Along with that, I'd STRONGLY recommend a personal finance course. Something like Dave Ramsey offers. If you get on the same page with handling your finances from the get-go, you'll be way ahead. And don't think you're doing well with whatever is happening now. Prove it (or not) by taking the class and applying the principles. Since many marital issues revolve around money, it is just common sense. (and hey, you're already nattering about ring cost, gifts, etc. There is NO reason for that. It tells me you're both not really ready. Yet.)

Communication. Not just talking. Talking about deep and meaningful things. Not where you lived, what you like to eat, but real life stuff. Never stop.

Compromise. If you're not both willing to do some (sometimes a lot) you'll both be unhappier than you need to be.

She should be your best friend. Period. No exceptions. If she's not, something is wrong.

All the best!

 

Great advice ^^

 

My wife and I got married when we were both 21 and we just had our 25th anniversary and we still love each other and want to be around each other. Lots of great advice posted here.
If you notice a recurring theme it's "COMMUNICATION"!!! The lack of good communication with your girlfriend/spouse is the reason for all problems. You need to be proficient in listening and hearing when you guys talk.
As guys we want to fix everything when she comes to you with a problem. Don't do that! Most of the time she will wan to you to just listen and comfort her. If she want's you to fix it, she will ask.
Brother, you are your own person and you are NOT bound to make the same mistakes as the rest of your family!!!
You are already changing things and taking the initiative to ask the people who have great marriages and find out how to be successful in your marriage!

Realize that arguments and bad things will happen, they can and WILL happen to anyone. Be honest with each other and DON'T keep secrets, no matter how hard it is to tell the other person what happened. Get counseling if you need it when the time comes! It saved my marriage at the 5 year mark.

 

Take what this man says seriously. I say again, take what this man says SERIOUSLY.

P.s. I'm in what I would say is a 'long' marriage at this point rather than a 'long & good one.' Well over 20 yrs now with the 1st 17-18 being pretty much 'long & great'. It's not easy as people can change or key components of their makeup can change (like sex drive).

 

HEY!

 

. Glad I asked the questions and started this thread . now I've got decades of good advice bookmarked.
I knew the night I met her. Gonna work to keep it that way. Thanks, everyone. Haha maybe I'll keep this thread updated when we have kids.

 

Was going to ask. It's been over a year.

 

Just do it. Follow your feelings. If it doesnt work out, oh well.

Im coming up on a year on August 1, together 3 years before. I knew the day i met her. I learned quick and you should too:

1. She's always right
2. Get a hobby
3. Burn all her hoodies and sweatpants
4. Invest in a shakeweight

 

Im late to the party haha. Damn old threads poppin up all the time.

 

I skipped the first wife and am working on the trophy

 

Hahahah the sweat pants! Nah I won't let her give up on looks just yet !

 

Mine hasnt given up on her looks and looks hotter after kid than before our kid, but she loves her damn sweatsuits. It drives me crazy, i feel like i should follow her in a van while she jogs and shadow boxes.

 

Haha this one is supposed to be old I think. Its a trip reading it from the start. On the flight back from the honeymoon it hit me- I had to update this thread! What an adventure. I met one of my groomsmen @goblue82 on this forum! Meeting strange dudes in the desert worked out great this time . just more proof this forum is a damn cool crowd.

 

Yup. Ive met a lot of people here in person and have made a lot of good friends. Cool forum indeed.

 

Congratulations and good luck. Mrs. bjmoose and I celebrated our 25th anniversary this month.

Lots of good advice in this thread.

The one piece of advice I'd add is to what's already been said is negotiation. Lots of times you won't agree. The two of you have to be able to figure out how important <whatever> is to you, and to her. You can't take every conflict to the mat. You're always gonna have an opinion. But you need to learn how to figure out which ones are important, and which ones you can let go if in the interest of compromise and commitment. And she needs to do the same. Cause' sometimes you'll figure out that <whatever> is something that *really is* important to you.

 

This!
And
Always remember not matter how bad the argument is speak to each other like you love them. Cuz you do!

 

Btw congrats Spencer!

 

Thank you sir!

Hey and anyone else reading this- eff the standard registries. For every piece of China she puts on the list, add something from craftsman. Haha it turned out pretty good for us I got a couple tools out of it that I needed when our toilet leaked into the wall during the week we were On the honeymoon. Frustrating and pleasant surprise to come home to that fucking mess, but open a box and find the oscillating tool I needed to cut the wall open with.

 

I think the "seven year itch" is real.
If you stick with a girl 7 years and and at the end of the day you Know it is still exactly where you want to be and it is still exactly where she wants to be then go for it. Anything else isn't worth it and anything less is just a guessing game...
IMHO