Dad jokes

Diarrhea is hereditary... it runs in your jeans.

 

Earlier this morning, my son asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.

I responded "No, I didn't even know he could!"

 

Echo in here.

Call in a crew.

 

Posted in the wrong spot. More coffee please.

 

Beat ya by a couple posts! Wooooooo lol

(we obviously follow the same social media account hahaha)

 

I went to a psychic today.

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled "who is it?"

So I left.

 

haHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

 

Turns out my wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying "this isn't working. I'm leaving."

What a liar; I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

 

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?

58.

 

Or one of my favorites I saw circulating the other day:


I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles last night....

....my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

 

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, "mind if I say a word...?"
She responds, "please do."
The man clears his throat and says, "bargain."
The widow replies, "thanks, that means a great deal."

 

Sounds like a script from a Leslie Nielsen movie...

 

My humorless Spanish teacher sent me to the office in 9th grade (33 years ago) when I wrote that as an answer on a quiz - El Ephino. The principal gave me some candy and told me to hang out in the office until the next hour. He got it.

 

Burt asked Ernie if he would like some ice cream, Ernie replied, “sure Burt.”

 

That one DEFINITELY has his style written all over it. "Surely you can't be serious...."

 

Dont call him Shirley.