Sobriety.... One year later... Please Read.

Thanks for sharing. It really puts things into perspective for me. I personally have not faced the trials you have but my dad is a firefighter who has ran some bad calls involving a kid drowning, an infant fell off the bed (and died), or a young guy that his car around a tree killing himself and 3 others (he was drunk), then coming home to me and my brother. I honestly don't know how he didn't just break down and cry sometimes. At 15 I went with my uncle, my dad, and my grandad to an AA meeting. Not being an alcoholic it could be easy to zone everything out and say that's not me. But it was me. Everyone has there own problems. Everyone needs someone to hold them accountable but love them at the same time. Sometimes that can be easy to forget. It can be easy to think because you are doing good that everyone else is to. Our church's moto is to be A Caring Place For a Hurting World. Man is that true. There a lot of hurting poeple out there. Don't ignore them. Or else they may just become a statistic. My $.02

 

I agree. I was lucky and very few people knew what I was going through at that time. As I posted somewhere earlier in this thread, I covered up everything with humor so no one knew the depths of my depression or problem. I tried many times to open up to my wife (and no discredit to her) she just didn't understand. I always came out on top no matter what. That was how she viewed me.... That was until that night. After that everything changed. I think then she realized the amount of problems I was dealing with (most self induced because I was handling things in a self destructive way). I told her "you have to be in control because I'm not". The next day when I picked my 6 year old daughter up from school I told her everything that I had done and I need her help. I feel ashamed that I had to ask a 6 year old girl that she has to help me and that was a lot to put on her shoulders but to her credit she HAS held me accountable. Shameful as this is my hope is she will hopefully learn from my mistakes and see that it a dead end road.

I took 3 months off work and got sober. I was in no shape to be in a leadership position. I couldn't even help myself... How am I supposed to make decisions that could affect others?

I came back to work and didn't mention much about it for quite a while. Luckily there were only a few close friends that witnessed that night and they made no mention of it since I was correcting my problems and seeking help. I did over time slowly release information as to what happened. To my surprise it was widely accepted and condoned as a learning tool that I now teach during every rookie school that comes through. No one can prepare you for what you might (will) see on the job. It is 28 years long and you will see horrific things that no one should ever have to see.

The fact is this.... I handled things in a very self destructive way. I could make a excuse that my job put me there but that is not the complete truth. I did it by my own actions. No one forced me to do what I did. I was looking for a escape and whatever would numb the pain to where I didn't have to think about it. In reality... that is only a band aid that will only hold for so long. Either you have to make a conscious decision to stop or that decision will be made for you. Those are the only two outcomes that can come from this.

I will forever feel guilty for the time I missed with my daughter growing up when she was younger. I'll never get that back. I lie awake at night thinking of that almost every night. If there is a silver lining she was young enough that she won't remember some of it. But she knows... She asked me the other day why we don't go to certain restaurants that we used to go too. I told her "Honey... It just brings up bad memories". She said "is it because of the beer?" I told her yes.

 

Great experiences here.

Good to hear stories like this guys.

 

I didn't exactly follow the route you did. We all have our own paths to follow but in the end they lead to the same place. My wife once told me a while back after I retire in a little over 5.5 years from now (I'll be 49) that maybe I'll be able to have a drink when we go out to eat since all the stress will be off of me and we will have moved to Colorado. I immediately told her no! I've been down that path and I've seen what it looks like from the bottom of that pit and I will never go back there again.

I'll reveal a little about myself and not to get into any sort of religion but I have no belief system. I'm agnostic but I respect all religions because I "personally" believe they can be a source of great strength. I truly believe that. That said... I did this all on my on with the support of my family. What put me at the bottom was a trigger that set everything in motion. I wanted something to numb the pain and I found it (albeit in the wrong form). I remember going to AA and sitting there listening to others. Finding common ground and not so common ground. I went a few times but I just could not give my addiction to a "higher power" that I didn't believe in. I made it my mission that I would do this myself. What happened to me scared me so bad that I had the motivation and strength to go through with it.

I find that talking to others and being honest helps more than anything. I'm still amazed to this day how open people are (especially on the FD) because there are a large number of people struggling with the same issues that I dealt with that are afraid to come forward. I completely understand that. But once a dialogue is open you can almost see the relief on their face because they know someone understands and is willing to listen. I looked at for a very long time as a curse but now (for lack of a better word) I almost look at it as a blessing.

 

I've read this story a while back but read it every so often. It's a good story and helps me stay motivated. My story is nothing compared to this one, but it helps me stay on track with things. Congrats on overcoming everything.

 

Hooah Firefighter! I have a lot of battle buddies that have PTSD or some sort of separation or war anxiety, and I can tell you, youre making better than some of these dudes. Keep your head up and keep going and keep spreading your story.

 

Thanks brother! I hope this story along with everyone that has posted helps in some way.

Thank you. I understand their trials all too well. Hopefully they can find a better way than I did.

 

Just wanted to say thank you for posting this thread.

Found the link while aimlessly wandering around the forums trying to kill time before attempting to lay down to sleep.

Been a rough month, needed to find this thread, just didn't know it.

 

Well I'm glad you found it and I hope it helps in some way. Here's to better days brother. Believe me... they are out there. Sometimes it's hard to see.

 

Well, I posted this thread 2 years ago today. Still clean and sober over 3 years now. I must say thank you for all the responses and hopefully it has helped someone along the way. I know everyone that posted helped me so I thank you all.

 

Keep up the good work

 

I read post #1 and #234. Have a question or 2...

1) you just quit cold turkey without a support group?
2) clean and sober as in not 1 drink in that time?

Someone with whom I share a bed with every night hit rock bottom a month ago in Vegas. I've never been so close to saying "I'm done." My hand was on my ring. No drinks for her since then. Dumped about $200 worth a liquor out the next day when we got back home. We've been through this before...3yrs ago. At that time, it was limited to lying about the drinking. But to the point where it was trips to the gas station to slam 4 of the stupid little bottles of wine. She didn't know that I could smell it. I can smell it a mile away. There was a support group involved that time. This time there hasn't been. The drinks started trickling back in about a year ago. Nothing ever major. 1 here or there. Then 2. Then when it was a stressful day. Then because why not. Shit came to a head in Vegas. She had her group of friends that she could talk to about it afterwards. Not so for me, as no one knew this side of the wifey. Who suspects a church-going mother of 2 to have this problem? So when shit hit the fan that night in Vegas, I was livid and boiled over. My pops was an alcoholic. Been there, done that. I know my limits don't push them. I can't go down that road. I didn't help her back to the room, I didn't hold her hair back. I basically said "fuck you. you made the conscious decision. deal with it." We have had plenty of talks since then, and she understands my lack of sympathy. I don't feel bad about it. She expects me to celebrate the sobriety. It's hard. Shouldn't have to that. It is what it is. I have half a bottle of Garrion Bro's bourbon that I haven't touched in a month.

 

PM'd

 

I've been down that very same road. Society has almost accepted as a fact that it's always men with the drinking problem and women are the "victims". A good friend is an alcohol councilor at a rehab clinic. He's told me that typically women hang on until the bitter end, and men typically leave an alcoholic wife in 6 months to a year. I dealt with it for 16 years. A few people patted me on the back and said "Good job". Let me tell you this, there was NOTHING "GOOD" about any part of it. I finally had all I could take. Had to walk. I started over and life is much better now. And I will NEVER look down on anyone who has to deal with an alcoholic that decides they've had enough.....At some point, you are responsible for YOUR happiness and the other person has to take responsibility for THEIR life. All the love in the world doesn't make up for being kicked in the gut time after time. The biggest single thing that makes a relationship work is trust. If you cannot trust your partner to do what is in the best interest of BOTH of you, then it may be time to part ways. Yep. It's painful, but so is staying with a bad situation.

I got to the point where I could SENSE when she was drinking, even if I was miles away.

I used to drink....a lot.....back when I was young. I just woke up one morning and decided I'd had all I wanted. Never had a drink since. I have no issues with other people who drink RESPONSIBLY.

 

I've started to read this thread a number of times. What stopped me? Well, I was on the opposite end of dealing with alcoholism for many years. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through in my life. The person who put me through all of this is a thing of the past now. But, at one point, she was trying to make it clear to me that she was sorry for the pain she caused. I never could come up with the right words at the time, but it finally dawned on me that I didn't want an apology. All I wanted was to see someone who meant the world to me to WANT to get the help she needed. 10,000 "I'm sorry's" won't change anything. One day with a clear outlook on life and a willingness to make your life better is all I wanted for her. I never got that. And we buried her one August afternoon. Now days, what brings me joy is hearing people who've cleaned up their lives and now have a good life, AND ARE WILLING TO SHARE THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENT WITH THE WORLD. When I hear that, I know people who love you, people who care about you....are now so much happier in their lives.....before it became too late to make that change.

Good on ya! And if you EVER need a friend to talk to, hunt me up.

 

Thanks for sharing man.

Later.

 

First things first. To touch on post #236.

Yes I quit cold turkey and I have not used or drank a drop since then. I felt it more appropriate to speak in a PM than airing out a bunch of personal stuff that might come up in a public forum.

Both of your posts share a similar theme so I'll kind of lump them into one. I "personally" never looked at it from the other side when it was happening to me. It seems you become pretty selfish when you are the one drinking but you don't think about the lives you are affecting around you. I got lucky when all my shit came crashing down on me. My wife could have given up and she had every right to do so. I'm glad she didn't because she has become a huge part of helping me out along with my daughter. I can never repay that debt I owe them. It was kind of funny the other day. My daughter (who is now almost 11) and I went to the store and I picked up a box of Red Bull. She looked at me with a stern look and said "daddy.... you're not supposed to be buying beer!" I lol and told her what it was and then she understood. I'm glad for that. If there is a silver lining in this... maybe she'll think twice before drinking too much. I know she will drink when she gets a little older. That's just the nature of the beast. But I hope she understands what the end result could be.

On to your points. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses. If the person that you are with is not willing to make a HONEST change then it is a viscous cycle. I wasn't willing to make that change until I hit rock bottom and didn't have any other choice. That is the wrong way to do it but I did it and I take full responsibility for my actions. I should have handled it better but I didn't. I'll always be ashamed that I (at the time) wasn't strong enough.

 

Having done the no AA way and the AA way- I'll take the AA way any day-

The thing I like about AA is that it teaches you how to live sober- Alcoholism/ Drug addiction is so much more than using- it's how we think, feel and process things. Our brains are wired funny.

It allows you to take a look at your character defects and work on resolving them. It changes our thinking, our reactions. It teaches us emotions and how to look at life through a different lens.

For those involved with an alcoholic- no shame in leaving- look at it as no longer enabling. We thrive on chaos and conflict because then we are in control. Take that away?

You may also want to try ALANON.

Mark

 

As stated earlier in this thread I tried AA and it just wasn't for me "personally". I take nothing away from the program because it is a great program and I highly recommend it to anyone dealing with substance abuse. As stated earlier I could get to the first step and admit that I am a alcoholic but after that the belief in a higher power wasn't in the cards for me "personally". I don't believe in a higher power and I went to a few meetings and it was not "preachy" in any way but I'm not wired for a release to something I don't believe in.

What helped me most was hitting rock bottom and the support from my family and knowing that I had nowhere else to go. From that night I haven't had a drink or used in going on 4 years now. I've come to terms with how I let myself get into the situation that I put myself into and I pulled myself out of it. For that I'm proud. That said... I'm ashamed I ever let it get to that level. It was my responsibility and I handled it poorly. But... I got my life back and have now turned a horrible negative into a positive.

 

Awesome! Yeah, I did it without AA for a bit over 7 years and then tried the AA thing for the last 5. I found that I was lonely, bitter and angry at the world. The guilt over my deeds was beginning to be too much to bear. I learned to walk through that which was a life saver. The Higher Power thing threw me for a wicked loop. After a lot of work, I've come to realize that the concept was nothing more than hope, of which I had none.

It also helped me to realize that I wasn't the center of the universe and the world didn't revolve around me.

Sounds like you are doing well- kudos to you and your sobriety!

Mark