Any time I need a smile or a laugh I simply go Here

to

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See you in hell, Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, June 5, 2015
By
Luke


Here is the post so you don't have to:

It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade.
After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep.
My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck.
And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free.
"What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards.
As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus.
I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam.
"I'll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?"
The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs.
After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened.
It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon.
By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse.
By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears' burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach.
I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads.
At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief.
I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat.
It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag's worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life.
After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears.
I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth's surface.

I know someone else posted here but I wanted to take a minute and thank them.

 

That just made my day! hilarious!

 

I have the site in my Bookmarks I would suggest you do as well.

 

!

 

and this is related to 2nd gens how?

 

This needs to be linked in the vandalism thread.
Just because people need a little laugh in there.

 

I put it where it would get the most views to make a happier day.

 

OP drives a second gen.?

 

Works for me then

 

Yes he does

 

I've always been a fan of some of the Nair reviews:

 

meh.

 

'orcs breaking down the doors of helms deep'.. ha haaa

 

Yea I like the WOW part of it

 

That shit is funny!

 

My favorite reviews were for a product called "liquid ass"

 

Here is another gem from Amazon, this time for Bear Spray....

$56 SABRE Frontiersman 9.2 fl oz. Bear Spray, Maximum Strength 2.0% Major Capsaicinoids, Powerful 35 ft. Range Bear Deterrent, Outdoor Camping & Hiking Protection, Quick Draw Holster & Multipack Options

https://www.amazon.com/Frontiersman...433393&sr=8-2-spons&keywords=bear+spray&psc=1


5.0 out of 5 starsYeah buddy. This stuff is for real.
By PatriotEd on June 22, 2013
No opportunity to try it on a real bear - thankfully. But a friend of mine tried it on his brother-in-law during a camping trip. His brother-in-law was drinking and got obnoxious. He threatened to kick my friend's ass. My friend is an average size guy but his brother-in-law is huge and burly. He is as big as a bear and nearly as strong. This stuff worked on him big time. It put him out of commission so fast, from at least 15 - 20 feet away, that it scared the hell out of everyone. He was in real pain and could hardly breath. He was on the ground instantly and crying in agony from the pain. And that was from just one blast of this stuff. The concern was that it would kill him, but he recovered just fine, but it took a while. When he finally recovered he asked for the bear spray. My friend wisely refused to give it to him so he told my friend that someday he would kill him for doing that. Man did that ever sober him up. Whew!! He was major pissed off about it. He's calmed down some since then but he is still plenty pissed off about it. Now my friend's wife is divorcing him over the incident. I guess she would have preferred that her husband got his ass kicked instead. That is one hell of a way to find out that this stuff really works but hey, you do what you got to do. Anyway, after that I ordered some of this stuff for me and my wife. I have guns but I want this stuff as our first line of self-defense. If we ever run across a bear or other wild critter, hey, we'll be ready for that to. Just don't sneak up on your wife or piss her off when she has this stuff within arms reach. LOL

 

Here is another classic:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000J36XR2/ref=cm_rdp_product

 

Snipets from the reviews.
:They're TOO good. I plugged these things into my 50W Magnavox 2.1 surround receiver and they impregnated my daughter. And I don't even have a daughter. I had to return them so I can afford the pregnant daughter that my future wife is going to give birth to.
:Even when I buffered the lightning down to a few thousand volts, these cables burned out before revivification could take place. Worse, while wasting time with these the body began to putrify; now I have to go out and dig up fresh materials and spend all that time stitching them together again.
:My cats chewed on this cable and now they can both speak. One of them is gay and the other wants to kill me. I would have rather not known.


LOL