Anyone have a sense of humor?

Thought I'd start a thread to share some laughter! Let the jokes begin lol!


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE




1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ...

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back..

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen..

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair..

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."..

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off..

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"..

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'..

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"..
Can't you just hear him say all of these?

Laughter is good medicine!

 

Thanks man, I'm in the process of finding someone who will deal with me on a DCSB OR MT inferno without premium and tech and that was a wonderful stress reliever.

 

You gotta be Old Skool to remember him Bradduh Was one of my favorites back in the day.

 

That was fun.

 

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

 

Glad that helped, that was my intention to lighten up the post that can stress one out and/or be of little help here . Best of luck to you!

 

...a young man goes into a job center in Los Angeles, and sees a card advertising for a gynecologist's assistant.

Interested, he goes to the counter to learn more. "Can you give me more details?", he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave their hair off, then rub in soothing oils so that they are ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque, New Mexico."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

 

Some ancient Japanese wisdom...

Man who run behind Tacoma get exhausted...

Man who run in front of Tacoma get tired.

 

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger

 

I guy comes home from work to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to Nevada."

He says, "Why?"

She says, "I was watching Oprah and found out I can get $200 a pop for what I give you free."

The guy ponders for a few seconds and starts to pack his suitcase.

She says, "What are you doing?"

He says, "I'm coming with you."

She says, "Why?"

He says, "Because I want to see you live on $400 a year."

 

RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD: rofl!!!!!!!

 

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry".

I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting
for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...


No time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it

,
sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist."

 

A woman comes home from a doctor's appointment and says her gynecologist said "she couldn't have sex for a month".

The husban looks up from the newspaper and says..."yeah, but what did your dentist say?".