Advice for a long healthy marriage

Congrats!

 

I dated my first wife 2+ years and we were married 33+ when she lost the battle to cancer. We have two beautiful adult children who are doing excellent with raising their own 3 kids (each) and both of them are on the doorstep of their own 20 year marriages.

My parents were married 72 before Dad passed, my Aunt and Uncle 72 before my aunt passed. (don't know too many like that do you?)

I remarried 4 years after losing wife #1, to a woman I realized had become my best friend. We are at 8.5 years now. She was also widowed, after 38 years. She tells me that wife #1 trained me well.............. And we are quite content and grateful to be together. Not because it overcame loneliness. But because we enjoy living life as a team.

There are many things that can be said, and many good ones already posted. But commitment to each other and working as a team really is a big part of it. I was quite blessed to have great examples in my life as well.

In marriages I've watched come unglued there are some recurring themes. It was a 'wrong match' to begin with, and adjustments were never attempted (radical personality differences). Substance abuse. Lack of respect for the other's views. Adultery. The inability to deal with the realities of life, often financially, but also illness or a problem child. And the reason 2nd marriage divorce is almost as high as 1st marriage is because these things don't change with #2.

 

Marry the right person, be open and honest. Don’t be a butthead.

 

33 years. Just remember, you are wrong sometimes also. love her, through thick and thin, talk, talk and talk again.

Above all live the vows you took. Make them work, not just words.

 

@Clearwater Bill Wow Bill. Somehow I missed your post Christmas Eve. That really made me smile, and Happy New Year. Blessings to your family.

 

Lynn and I have been married for 27 happy years....out of a total of 44 years of marriage. Batting .500!!

We always use that joke when people ask how long we've been married. It reflects our thoughts that marriage is a journey of two individuals committed to each other. It's not always a picnic. Some struggles are externally caused, some are internal. As two individuals, our professions, experiences, likes and dislikes work constantly against having a stress-free, smooth marriage. In fact, I'd argue that having some different likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc. can be positive if you ultimately still work to find common ground.

Lynn and I were both 19 when we were married - I was a sophomore in college and she was a bookkeeper for a local clothing store. I was 20 years, 3 hours and 47 minutes old when our son was born. Lynn was two weeks older. We were fortunate to have some help from families but we still struggled financially to put food on the table and keep me in college. Later, after I was commissioned in the Army, it was Lynn's turn to go to college and she became a CPA. We had some rough patches but we committed to always remembering our commitment and love for each other.

Respect each other.

Don't lie to each other - IMHO the one thing you can never recover is trust. Once you let it go...it's forever gone.

Focus on what's important...each other.

Make a life plan with your goals....and stick to it. You'd be surprised how many arguments over money or time that can be saved if you look at things in light of your ultimate plan. That doesn't mean you can't sometimes have slpurges...but make sure they are agreed upon up front, not after the fact. Trust.

Enjoy your individual interests, but always find time and things to do together. Gifts of things are OK; gifts of time, attention and love are best.

Even when you have kids, remember that your relationship is the most critical part of your life. Your kids will be happier if they see you happy and in love...and they will understand that they are a very important part of your life and family...but it isn't all about them.

Laugh together. Find the fun and goodness in every day. Some days will be hard...but there's something, even if it is that you are just still on the green side of the grass.

Never forget that you fell in love for a reason...when times get tough, look for those reasons.

Love each other.


Of course, there are no guarantees. I agree with others that sometimes people just don't make good matches and relationships don't work. My son is divorced and remarried to a widow, now. His second marriage is the right match for him. He tried harder than I would have to keep the first marriage together, but in the end it just wasn't right for either of them. It is so good to see him happy now.

Just some of my own thoughts after 44 years of marriage. I'm blessed.

 

Looks like everyone has a different approach... just as I suspected, haha.

 

This. Best person for the task in my house.