Need Some Guidance/Reassurance

Oh there are so, so many fantastic ones here. Start with Rahr on wednesday nights, thats a great place to socialize and meet some interesting people (especially now that the weather might finally break soon.) Martin House, Legal Draft in Arlington and Turning Point in Hurst put out some of my favorites. I'm likely headed to Dirty Jobs in Mansfield this weekend to catch the nearby steak cook-off.

Allright, threadjack over, stay strong, OP.

 

Brian, this isn't right. You deserve better. She probably genuinely loves you and it sounds like you love her too, but the picture you are painting is of someone who isn't ready to settle down. Moreover, you know it. So, now you are biased to seeing it and will forever be suspicious of it. A successful marriage takes the right person at the right time, and in this case she may be the right person, but this does not sound like the right time. I would move on. Be cordial about it, its not about placing blame or getting into a screaming match, its about allowing her to live a life without commitment and giving you the opportunity to find someone who wants what you want. I would leave it at that.

Post a mailing address for us. We will send beer.

 

Yeah, believe me. The conversation I'm going to be having with her is gonna be very clear on what things will need to change. I guess, the proper word would be an ultimatum. I know I'm not perfect myself and I also carry some flaws. I just know for a fact that I have never done anything like what she has done, that would put our relationship in jeopardy.

 

Same!

 

Just keep in mind that if she suspects you are about to bail, she will probably say EXACTLY what she thinks you want to hear in order to keep things going.

Be honest with her but also be very discreet and careful.

Lots of girls like to flirt around but still have the "security" of a full time regular guy that they can go home to.

 

Again, I’m going to be brutally honest....
Ultimatums don’t work!!!!! If you have to issue one to your partner on something that they should be doing already then YOU are fighting to make them want you. If she wanted you she wouldn’t need an ultimatum. Do you really want someone who is only going thru the actions cuz you told her to? Not that these actions will last, it will only be temporary and you will still end up going thru this again! I’m sure you know this.... watch a persons actions, don’t listen to their words! People will say anything!

 

I thought you were further up north for some reason? Well cool! Howdy!

 

You gotta let her go. There is a beautiful, smart, perfect, taco-driving women who will have no problem committing to you for the rest of her life. If you are married to a cheating, lying, secretive woman, you wont meet Mrs. Perfect. Leave this women, she needs to live her life and you need to live your - separately. No more second chances, no more opportunities to "talk". Pick up your spinal cord and testicles and go.

 

Either air everything out with her ( seriously get deep into it all) or just leave. Sounds like she doesn't have respect for the relationship if she's even asking her friends if a guy is attractive or not regardless. Me personally I don't stand for disrespect against the relationship or you in that way and would just leave. 4 years isn't that long in the gist of things.

 

SOOOOOO TRUE.

...but the sex is usually good afterwards because you still hate each other so it adds a little more spice to the fucking.

 

I would have been out of that relationship a looong time ago. i have been though it all and i have a zero tolerance policy now.
1 Always go with your gut. it will never fail you.
2 You need to change your mindset the whole "i couldn't imagine my life without her" mindset is the exact reason you are in this mess.
3 There are 3+ billion women out there that are, 1 better looking, 2 more loyal, and would make you much happier, that is a fact!. your girl is not a special little snowflake she can be replaced easy.
4 she is broken, its not your job to fix her.

Now what would i do if i was in your shoes? i would, without saying one word to her, completely vanish. Collect all my things, move back to California and move on with my life.

This is the absolute best advice you will ever get. this is the fastest way to get your life on track.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW9r3YPm-QM&feature=share

 

My approach is gonna be aimed at what she wants out of our relationship and if she is ready to settle down. If her answer comes across as questionable or she sounds unsure, I know my next move will reveal itself.

 

Well, nothing I can say that hasn't been said. But postpone the wedding at the least.

 

Brian, we all have flaws, there is no question about it. If you feel like you have to give an ultimatum, there really only is one choice. You know this has happened multiple times and it will just keep happening. If you haven't done anything to put your relationship in jeopardy, and she has, then she isn't worth your time. I know you love her dearly, but if she did this to you for so long, it's not worth the pain you will go through. You need to take your time to find yourself. I know I'm not old enough to be telling you these things, but I don't want to see you hurt.

 

what she wants is stability and freedom, that's why she is still with you. She wants her cake and wants to eat it, cuz its cake now. Like I said, my heart goes out to you man, but if you stay with her, she's just gonna hide her side action better cuz she knows you're on to her. I wouldn't doubt if she deleted the pics she sent her ex, why else would he keep on sending her pics. Also you never specified what kind of pics he was sending her but hopefully they werent "those" pics.

 

Be very careful here, she may be very manipulative and tell you whatever she thinks it takes to keep you around.
After she’s locked you into a wedding, it’ll be back to the status quo....... Don’t ask me how I know this.

 

Brian,

Her actions speak louder than any words she could say.
She is either NOT ready to settle down or she is and is just is that in to you... let her keep the ring, walk away and tell her good luck finding someone, move back to Cali and surround yourself with friends and family and move on with life.

Your other option is to have the talk, listen to her and best case scenario she says all the right things... if this happens, in your heart will you believe her?

Do not marry someone you do not trust.

Nathan in DFW

 

if you have been told what she wants you to hear at any point in the past, ever, at all, then prepare to be played again. be aware and let the truth reveal itself. keep in touch with yourself when she's laying out the answer that she thinks you need to shut up.

 

Forget the "ultimatum" stuff, won't work and a waste of time and energy. If what you laid out is accurate, this conversation should be an exit interview.