Coping with my Dad who has Leukemia

This is somewhat of a vent and question, because I'm struggling with accepting it.

About my dad:

He's 57 and has Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. He has for 6 years and has been pretty careless about it. To be honest, he and my mom have frankly not given 2 shits about it.

I've spoken to them both about ways to feel better and optimistic (diets, alcohol, masks, cleaning hands, etc.) and they say "we could live 30 years in a bubble, or 15 years making memories."

He has chemo here and there, but he hides a lot of his pain and issues... until it's too late and goes to the ER. Like the splenectomy a month ago, due to the size. It was supposed to be the size of an apple. They compared it to a football - where that doesn't occur overnight. They both act as if he didn't have emergency surgery where doctors weren't confident he'd survive. It's as if they think this will all just go away. I mean damn, it's frickin' year 6. He's in the ER right now due to what's most likely a bloodstream infection... in which he waited 2 days before he told anyone he had a 102 temp. Then, he emailed the James Cancer Center, instead of calling them.

My parents say "we have to live", but the only "living" I see them doing is drinking beer with their friends (in which they try to hide beer cans, no shit). They never ask about my kids. I'm 33 and have 2 boys (age 5 and 8), 2 nephews (age 1 and 2). I also have 2 brothers (one is 35, the other is 30). Am I being selfish that I want my dad to live for as long as he can, for myself and my boys? In 6 years, I can't find myself to accept it.

Has anyone's parent passed from cancer and willing to give me advice on how to just let my dad live his life as he wants? Feel like I'm being selfish, even if I've spoken these same thoughts with them.

Then again, some days you're just livin'.

Thanks all.

 

First of all, I am sorry that you and your family are going through this. I was in a similar situation. I'd be happy to speak with you privately in PMs and certain personal things I prefer to keep just that; personal and private.

While not EXACTLY alike, I would be happy to offer my advice.

Stay strong brother.

 

In the end its really his choice on how he chooses to live. Trying to correct his behavior at this stage will only lead to resent and regret.

I recommend just trying to enjoy his company on the good days, and making memories the way how you want to remember him. Thats all you can do, really.

 

I don't think you are being selfish at all in feeling the way you do...to me that "30 years in a bubble or 15 years making memories" justification is a major over-simplification. But people have funny ways of dealing with stress, grief, acceptance, etc. sometimes. As his son, you have every right to let him know how you feel about it and how it matters to you that he gets treatment. But at the end of the day, it is his life and his decision ultimately. Whatever he decides, try and make the best of it with him.

 

That is really tough. If someone doesn't care enough about themselves to maintain their health, then there probably isn't much you can tell them to get them to care. And even if they are, there is no guarantee they'll stick around.

The best I can offer is to make the most of every chance you get with him, especially the seemingly mundane stuff. With any luck maybe it'll inspire him to be more vigilant.

 

I have been very proactive with both of my Cancers and treatments, I do not understand anyone's nonchalant approach to getting treatment.
Science is a good thing.
At this point I would just spend as much time with him as possible and make sure your kids know who he is so they will have memories too.
Stay strong ........... Cancer Sucks for everyone not just the person who has it.

 

Stay strong bud. I don’t think your being selfish at all.
As mentioned above you have every right to let him know how you feel. People have there ways to deal with things. My parents are stubborn as well with health and financial issues.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

 

Thanks everyone for the responses.

 

Hello fellow Tacoma bro,
Hang in there man. I’ve been in the same boat my grandma was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer in 2007. She passed in 2012. You’re not being selfish, I felt the same way. She was my rock. Make them moments count , that’s what my biggest regret was not always being there at times. God bless and I’ll keep ya in my prayers. Stay strong.

 

Hey all. With advice from this post (even mentioning this post to my wife), I had an amazing conversation with my mom today, and my dad. I appreciate this forum and glad I asked. You guys are great. Thanks again.

 

not trying to tell you what to do but be understanding of your padres condition . check out
http://www.cllforum.com/ and https://healthunlocked.com/. The James Cancer Center is one of the best research centers in the country under the leadership of Dr John Byrd . I hope to go there when my CLL is ready for treatment