Dad jokes

My wife said she missed me.

Normally that would be a good thing but she’s reloading.

 

Scots fishing with Scotch

Angus, Jock, and Duncan went fishing yesterday.

Here's what happened:
The three started fishing early in the morning but after only a short time they ran out of worms. Then Angus saw a snake about to swallow a frog.
Frog parts are good bait for bass.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth; Jock grabbed it right behind the head. He then freed the frog and put it in the bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

Duncan grabbed his flask of Single Malt Scotch Whisky he always carries and poured a little into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes rolled back, he went limp, and Jock was able to release him into the lake without incident. They all carried on fishing – now using the frog.

A little later, Duncan felt a nudge on his ghillie brogues. It was that same snake… with two more frogs.

 

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected...

 

I drum know if your correct or not.

 

I'm gong to have to respectfully disagree.

 

What is this bass on?

 

Everyone has their opinion, but mine will trumpet.

 

Flute you guys, this whole string is non-sense

 

Have we resorted to violins or are we oboe that?

 

No need to act like bassoons, we need to bring some harmonium back to the thread.

 

This thread is not a cymbal of tulips on the piano or organ is it?

 

Lets’s guitar done, lads.

 

Banjo didn't hear all these before?

 

I was trying to come up with a banjo usage, I just couldn't drum one up.

 

I’m a little short. Got any dobro?

 

It was the bottom of the ninth symphony and the bassists were loaded.