Dad jokes

Oof.

 

So I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

 

I am happy to say I am now clean and sober.

Time to get out of the shower and head to the liquor store.

 

I needed a screwdriver in my shop, but I was out of orange juice.

 

Use Milk of Magnesia so you can have a Phillips screwdriver.

 

The Genesee Brewery just hired a girl with one leg.

She's in charge of the hops.

 

Dentists always ask the dumb questions..."When'd the last time you flossed?" Um, you were there man, isn't it in my records?

 

Mickey Mouse wanted to divorce Minnie. The judge said " I will not grant you a divorce just because you say that Minnie is insane". Mickey responded " I did not say that Minnie was insane your honor. I said that she is fucking Goofy"

 

A man and woman in Idaho became the oldest couple in the world to divorce. They are both 98 years old.

It was an ugly breakup too. She found another woman's teeth in their bedroom.

 

for aviation enthusiasts:

Do you know why the B-747 has that hump?
It's so the pilots can sit on their wallets.

 

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat at the counter. He notices meat hanging really high from the ceiling. The bartender says if you can jump up and grab a piece, you get free drinks the rest of the night. If you can't, you have to buy a round for everyone in this very crowded bar. The guy looks around at the crowd and up and says I will pass, the steaks are too high.

 

Damn, Girl. Are you Black Friday? 'Cause I'm wondering what your deal is.

 

I bought a pair of skinny jeans the other day...does anyone know how long it will be before I see results?

 

Woman: Why is the mail all soggy?

Mailman: Postage dew.

 

The other day I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off...she said, "Walk around the room naked, that'll do it."