Death of a biological parent?

I dont know how to title the thread but I would love some input, or maybe just need to vent. I am a step-dad to 2 great kids, now 10 and 13. Their bio-dad lives 3 hours away and for the 5 years since the divorce(I've been in the picture almost 4) has been pretty non-existent. ONE weekend a month, never calls or texts them in between, never checked on sports or school stuff. He's dying of liver failure now, didnt give us much detail at all, but we know he might not be able to tell the kids goodbye. This went from dickhead responses last month, to no responses 2weeks ago, to my wife having to communicate w her exMIL because her ex cant. We're driving the kids down there tonight to what I can only imagine will be a horror show for them. Wtf do I tell the kids? I hate it, but for their sake I just cover for the a-hole right? He loved you dearly. He can hear you but cant respond. He'll be watching(I dont believe that but they dont need to know that yet).

 

I am sorry your step children have to go through this and am proud of you for taking the big step and looking after them. I believe the mother should say something to the kids unless she initiated to you that it must come from you. He has limited time so might as well make the end a bit positive rather than the kids living the rest of their life with a negative thought about their biological father. You can also put in words to the kids that this is a tough time for the family and if they need to talk, you will be there for them.

Great job stepping up man, props to you. Also a great job for reaching out here for advice, that is what this community is about.

 

I don’t know what I’d do, but I hear you and it sounds like you’re an amazing dad. Keep it up

 

What do you tell them? Nothing.

Be there for them and listen.

 

^this

 

Do the kids know anything yet?

I worked as an ICU nurse before, and am currently a CRNA. This is going to largely fall upon how emotionally mature the kids are. Can you seek out a child mental health professional on what they advise? The hospital may also have a child life specialist. This might be a great resource on obtaining help as far as what to do in this situation. The Child life specialist might also help accompany the children to their fathers death bed, and be better able to comfort them from experience.

 

It's difficult to deal with for sure. Fortunately 10 and 13 should be at an age where they will be able to understand, which really helps in processing grief.

If I were in your shoes I would step back and play the quiet support role. Be there as a shoulder to lean on, but don't get too proactive in guiding them through their emotions. Have a conversation if they want to talk about it. If they want to withdraw, ask if they want to play a videogame for a minute, and give them space if they want it. If they withdraw for more than a couple of days, talk to their mom in private and get agreement on how best to approach.

It's tough. Sorry bud.

 

You put those kids' feelings before yours...that is the Fatherly thing to do and sounds like you are handling it as such. I do agree with one of the comments above, should be their mother's responsibility...but good on you man. I wouldn't want to be in that situation either.

 

You are to be congratulated for caring about the kids and their emotions. Just remember in the long run most kids can handle the truth, gently spoken, rather than lies that have to be unwound later in life.

They are old enough to hear the truth, particularly on the medically oriented items.

Only a direct Q on that topic, from them, should get a response. And while it should be softly given, it should not be a lie. Don't turn him in to a martyr. They already know his interest in their lives is limited, don't make it something it's not.

IF that's the condition you find him in, absolutely. Again, the truth.

If you don't believe it, don't say it.

 

YOU are their dad, Hard to miss what you didnt really have in the first place, I speak from experience.

you are not a (step dad) you are the dad that stepped up.

 

What you’re doing now is the correct response. Be there for the kids and focus on what role you play in their lives- as a mentor and role model. They’re definitely old enough to somewhat process their own feelings about the bio-dad and my opinion is to never influence them with your own feelings about him. He’s always going to be a part of their lives even if he’s not around so as they develop and get older they will always be processing what that relationship was to them. I personally would stay away from saying things that you don’t believe in (“he’ll be watching…”).it will go a long way if you stay honest in their eyes. Just be there for them and listen as best you can.

Have this conversation with their mother too so that you’re both on the same page if the kids do ask you something that may be difficult or uncomfortable. She likely has her own things to process with the whole situation so showing her support will definitely be noticed by her and the kids.

 

Just be there for them. There really isn't much you can say or do. Hopefully they get to see their father before he passes. They will at least get some closure, if they can spend some time with him.

 

Short version. Be there as their oak as you are doing now. Went through a similar situation with an absent 'Dad' until a child support order was granted. No opinions, there is plenty of time in life for the kids questions as it dawns on them the real situation. Just be there....

 

Thanks all. I appreciate it.