Whatever

I managed to sweet talk the intaking officer into giving me my own private cell, aka "special observation." Kept me out of the group holding tank.

 

DAFUQ YOU SAY??? You must be pretty or something man. I never had such treatment in central lockup!

 

Exactly… Yankees. I’m amazed they aren’t Canada by now. Then again, canuks know better.

 

I actually had to make multiple calls because my roommate was stoned, drunk, and asleep. The sheriff’s deputy was a chick, and quite easy on the eyeballs. I blew a 0.188. She says, can you do that again? I say sho nuff dawlin. Same result. She says to me, Do you drink often? Because I’ve had folks in here with half of this number that couldn’t tell me their name. I said, cool, so I can go?
Nope!

 

I was polite, friendly, quiet, and told them I was having a panic attack. they put me in the suicide room.

Story time:

Freshman year.




This was pre 9-11.

On a lark, friends and I skip class and run down to Big Bend NP. In those days, it was nothing to park on the US side and cross the river into Mexico. And that's what we did.

It cost a dollar a person to board a skiff and be paddled across the Rio. And then we had a choice: it was a click into the town of Boquillas. Walk it for free, pay a dollar to ride in the back of a pickup, or pay a dollar to rent a burro. No question, we rented burros like the fucking cracker gringos we were.

We ride into town, buy a burrito platter of unknown meat. I assume goat, but this is the desert, and you don't ask questions. More importantly, we drink beer. We're 17-18, and beer is liquid gold. We gladly pay a half-dollar per and ask for seconds and thirds.

The burro wrangler is getting impatient and hurries us up. Fine. We mount up on our trusty steeds and ride back towards the river. Feeling mighty good. Now, this being Mexico, we are approached constantly. Kids are appearing from the desert brush like phantoms, one selling Chiclets, another hawking wire sculptures, paper mache here, polished rocks there-hey wait a minute, you were the chiclet kid from five minutes ago! Then one dude walks up next to me and shoves a cactus in my face. It's pretty, full of flowers. I finally give in and buy that for a couple of bucks. I stick it in a flower pot and put it in my dorm room windowsill.

Fast forward to end of semester.

The phone rings. 6 am. "Hello?" "Is Richard there?" "Yeah but he's fucking asleep. It's 6-" click. WTF. I doze off. Five minutes later, the door pounds. Annoyed, I answer.

Barging in, one city cop and one highly eager campus cop. As it turns out, my roommate had a warrant. Apparently his girlfriend, way over in Marfa... was 14 years of age...and her parents were none too happy about that. So off he goes in handcuffs. Meanwhile, the city cop asks, "hey cool, whose cactus is that?" I'm still asleep. So I stupidly answer that it is mine.

"Whelp, Mr Lobster, that's peyote, and you need to get dressed and come with us."

And that's how I got charged with felony-1 possession.

 

This Dallas/Pittsburgh game is putting me to sleep so far. 6 to 3 Dallas at halftime

 

The connection is secured.

 

Dude. You used lark, fucking cracker gringos, burro wrangler, and Chicklets!! Fantastic. Except the end part. That sounds like it sucked. Damn felon, you!

 

Dogs know. Fact.

 

It’s not too late to jump ship Dave. Like, pick any other team! Dak has been a disgrace. Much like our Trevor. Overpaid twats I say!

 

I'm the only person I know that got a felony pled down to deferred adjudication... Which means that for all legal purposes, you can't even find a traffic ticket under my name.

But buried deep in the back of my gun safe, is my state probation ID. That legally does not exist.

 

This presents a valid quandary. WHO would be foolish enough to willingly drive this disaster of a thread?! I can think of only 2 people. @amyracecar or @Gen1TacoLady

 

I like the cut of your jib Ryan!

 

I would not object.

 

I ain’t doing it again before you ask! Although, might I propose another personality? @NoOne could prolly drive this bitch for a minute or two!

 

You should do it. It’s worse than jail. Step up dude. Don’t be a puss!

 

Buddy made me an amp stand thingy.

And if the world ended as we know it, this alone will dictate the path forward, cuz, it speaks all languages.

 

You're asking me if I would drive?

I'd immediately get voted off the island. My polls would be obscure and unintelligible. I will Yoko your Chuck Berry.

 

Those Orange amps spit out some unique tones. I'm still partial to Marshall though.