Dad jokes

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?








They’re really good at it!

 

Col Sanders went to the Pope and said- hey man, Chicken sales are way down, I was wondering if you could help. The Pope said - What can I do? Col Sanders said, I was wondering - instead of saying “give us this day, our daily bread” could you say “give us this day, our daily fried chicken”? The Pope said absolutely not. Col Sanders said - could you do it if I give you 10 millions dollars? The Pope snickered and said NO! Col Sanders said, ok - how about 50 million? The Pope said - I don’t know what to say- it’s in the scriptures! Then Col Sanders said - how about 100 million? So the Pope called all the Cardinals in and said - I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is: someone just donated 100 million dollars to the Church! A Cardinal said - what’s bad news? The Pope said- the bad news is- we just lost the Wonder bread account …..

 

There are two types of people in this world…
1.Those who need closure

 

The Big Butt family went out for a walk.
Embarrassed, junior was distancing himself from the rest.
"Where is he?" asked Mom.
Oh, he's a little behind!

 

This “Old age” thing is for real... last night I was in bed for 20 minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough. Then I remembered I came to my room to get my wallet…..

 

My apologies if this one is already in here and I missed it:

What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Happy Friday guys.

 

And what's the difference between brown nosing & arse kissing?
Depth perception!

 

An elderly man went to the doctor complaining about not being able to hear out his right ear. After a thorough examination the doctor says: “Well I think I found your problem. There’s a suppository in your ear!” The man smiles and says: Well I guess that explains where my hearing aide is!”

 

What kind of bees produce milk?















BOOBIES!

 

Huh?

 

https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=suppository

 

I bought an authentic Van Gogh coffee table! I know it’s the real thing, because it has a bit of veneer missing….. ba dum-Ching!

 

That was a play on words... derogatory

 

If it’s any consolation I belly laughed at your response…

 

How do potatoes usually resolve disputes?



They hash them out.

 

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their Mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

 

I’m reading a Horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it

 

Why can’t dinosaurs run fast?



they’re dead.

 

Too many double standards these days- for example, If I go down to the Dog shelter to pick out a new pet- I'm a HERO ! .... but if I go down to the Women's shelter to pick out a new girlfriend ...