10 Tips for Driving in the Snow

The recent storms and holiday drivers have in a sense…inspired me. Living in California for over 25 years has no double desensitizes me to the overall mass stupidity and quality of the resident drivers. Since moving to a neighboring state I’ll wholeheartedly admit that my patience for said residents has dwindled. Tack on moving to an area that has snow on the ground for 4 months out of the year has further enlightened me that…well…not everyone knows how drive in the snow, let alone have a clue. I guess my goal is to hopefully educate, perhaps persuade others to be slightly more responsible, but at a minimum give everyone an afternoon giggle.

Selfishly, some of these winter driving tips are exclusive benefits to me and the drivers around you. Others will make everyone’s lives a little better.

1. Know your vehicle!!!! I really can’t stress this one enough. I can’t honestly tell you how many times I’ve seen vehicles driving around in chain control zones with the chains on the wrong axle. Every brand new vehicle comes with an elusive literary reference book, normally placed in the passenger side glove compartment, commonly referred to as the “Owner’s Manual.” This book has all sorts of helpful information about your vehicle including which axle(s) are the drive axle(s) as well as snow chain/cable recommendations. Now I realize that not everyone buys a brand new vehicle and sometimes Owner’s Manuals are not provided. Take your car to ANY auto parts store, auto mechanic shop, or anyone knowledgeable and ask. They aren’t going to charge you for it nor insult you. Not knowing and wanting to learn is not a crime. Just yesterday Relentless Eric and I witnessed a 2wd Frontier attempt to make it from the seasonal rental property at the bottom of my court up the moderate grade, with snow chains on the front wheels. The females in the vehicle questioned us as they ferociously alternately one wheel slid half way up the court even though they had chains on. Upon us enlightening them of the common mistake, “the boyfriend” in the Heep behind them quickly retorted with “Japanese trucks are front wheel drive.” Never to leave a damsel in distress, Eric and I helped them while “the boyfriend” stood by in standard Jeep confusion. Chains affixed properly, they went on their merry way.

2. Test fit your cables and chains BEFORE you come to snow country. Yes, that means get them out of the bag, read the fucking instructions, and make sure they fit your vehicle. Now, I realize that some people out there have more dollars than sense, and they quickly reply in jest that they will just pay one of the grizzly mountain men in neon suits to put the chains on for them at the foot of chain control. Well guess what? You still gotta take them off at some point and there are not always helpers around for that. And what if one of your chains comes loose or flies off? If you’re too stupid or ignorant to put on snow chains, then you’re too stupid to drive in the snow…period.

3. 2wd pickup trucks are some of the worst handling vehicles in the snow. There’s no weight in the rear and they are rear wheel drive. If heading to winter wonderland, consider picking up a few 50 pound bags of sand. Most hardware stores even sell them for relatively cheap. If by chance you find yourself in a freak, unannounced storm, if there’s snow on the ground, there’s weight to be put in your truck. Fill the bed with snow. You’d be surprised how much of a difference 150 pounds of weight in the rear end makes in pickup.

4. Don’t try to sneak by chain control by holding 4 fingers up out the window as you pass by chain control trying to allude to the transit worker barely making over minimum wage that your 2wd truck is really 4wd. I could give two shits if you spinout and run your vehicle off the road, the problem is when you slide out into a minivan full of people because of your careless ignorance.

5. Four wheel drive (4wd) is exactly that….four wheel DRIVE. This doesn’t absolve you from using caution on a snow and ice covered road. It does not mean you can tailgate the vehicle in front of you. It does not mean you can take that 90 degree corner at the same speed you can back in your flatland dry hometown. Newton’s laws of motion STILL apply to you.

6. Mud tires with giant mud lugs generally do very well in the snow. That said, they suck the biggest donkey dick in the slush and ice. A front wheel drive ford escort with all-season tires will have more traction on ice than your monster truck with MTs. Again…going along with tip # 5 above, use caution…more than normal.

7. In case you missed the theme of tips 5 and 6 above, I’ll try to be more clear. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN…but read on.

8. Now I realize that some will do everything mentioned above because they want to experience this mysterious fluffy white substance known as snow, but they are still scared of driving in it. This is completely understandable. As with anything new, you’re going in with caution. This does not mean drive 8 mph on the major highway with 100 cars stacked up behind your petrified ass and not a single motherfucking car in front of you for miles!!!! Practice in an empty parking lot. Have someone else drive who actually has experience in snow until you practice. For Christ’s sake, at a minimum use the fucking turn outs and let the vehicles behind you pass. Should you chose the last option, do not be surprised or offended when you get 68 horn honks and 125 middle fingers (yes, the passengers hate you that much too) from the cars that you fucked over for hours and are now passing you.

9. If by chance you make it up to this wonderful place we call home, and by further chance overnight a winter storm passes through dumping several feet of snow, expect to put in a little work in the morning before you proceed to your day activities. If there is 3 feet of snow on your vehicle, this does not mean wipe a 12”x12” section away from the driver’s side windshield only to be fogged over in a manner of seconds of turning on the defrosters and then diving into traffic. Do you have any idea how fucking annoying and blinding it is to be behind a moving fucking snowbank leaving a whiteout blizzard in its wake? Well if you don’t, then ponder this. While you’re out weaving around cause you can barely see out the small section you cleared in your fucking mobile snow fort, frozen over windshield wipers viciously swiping back and forth, all that fucking uncleared snow on your hood as you drive 50 mph is going to blow back into your windshield and further blind you. And because you’re such a bad-ass, the 3 foot tall bank on the roof of the car is going to eventually do one of two things. You’re either going to slam on the gas and it’s all going to fall right in front of the poor bastard behind you, or you’re going to slam on the brakes and it’s going to drop right over your finally cleared off windshield. So here’s what you’re going to do. Put down the pill bottle of Prozac, and make yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea or whatever the fuck it is that gets you going in the morning. Take your fucking cellphone and turn it off and put it away till you get wherever you’re going. Clear the snow from the driver’s door and especially around the door seams so as to not douse your seat with snow, and start your vehicle and put the defroster on high. Get a broom and start clearing the snow off ALL OF THE FUCKING VEHICLE. Don’t have a broom? Put on a jacket and a glove and start swiping. It doesn’t have to be spotless, but for fucks sake don’t drive around with 18” of snow on the vehicle. Yes, this applies to you rich stupid fucks that drive $80,000 SUV’s too.

10. Lastly, be prepared. I’m not saying plan for the zombie apocalypse, but have some reasonable sense of preparation. Keep a flashlight, first aid kit, spare clothes (and SNOW CLOTHES), food, water, a lighter, etc. God forbid if you get stuck or slide out in a non-frequented winter roadway, you’ll be glad you did.

Many of you will read this and think you learned nothing. I applaud that…but share with your friends, and their friends, and their friends’ friends. Because I assure you

 

You have that completely wrong bud. I assure you I didn't not intend it that way but do apologize if it came out that way. After seeing countless episodes of EVERYTHING mentioned above, its worth an OFF TOPIC post and a mild attempt at humor. I'll take my "arrogance" over being upside down in a ditch.