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any writers here that like to critique?

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by usmrocks, Feb 24, 2010.

  1. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:13 PM
    #1
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    if so i have a speech i've worked on for speech class and if anyone wants to help a brother out and critique it that'd be awesome haha. if not i just won't post it. Oh and it's demonstration speech on how to fold a flag, don't hate i'm just trying to get a good grade.

    thanks
    usmrocks
     
  2. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:15 PM
    #2
    fireturk41

    fireturk41 I like to break shit!

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  3. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:16 PM
    #3
    Griztaco

    Griztaco Well-Known Member

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    Post it up. I don't remember really liking speech class, but it wasn't too bad.
     
  4. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:17 PM
    #4
    Packman73

    Packman73 ^^^^ 3%er ^^^^

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    I critique the shit out of stuff. Lay it on me.
     
  5. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:17 PM
    #5
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    We all see them on almost a daily basis, but have you paid any attention to them since elementary school when you said the pledge to it every morning? By now you have probably figured out that it’s the American flag I am talking about. We may not salute it and say the pledge to it like we did in our youth but for the most part, we still give our flag the honor and recognition it deserves. After all it is our flag that tells people from all across the world who we are and what we stand for. Also most Americans know the story about the flag and how it has evolved over the years to the modern day 50 stars and 13 bars that fly in front of all public buildings. Do these same people however know how this flag should be treated? As an American interested in history and having studied about the flag for history tests and researched about it for English papers I have learned how to properly fold a flag. Since it would’ve taken two people to correctly fold it I have already folded a flag for you as an example and have these illustrations for reference.
    1. First you must fold the flag with the blue edge slightly higher by an inch or so and fold it in half with that side being slightly longer
    2. This is followed with a second fold leaving the flag broken into a blue half striped half
    3. After this you are ready to begin folding the flag long ways. Starting on the striped in take one corner and fold it over giving this end a triangle point.
    4. This process must then be repeated about eleven times before it has made it all the way to the other end of the flag.
    5. With whatever excess flag remaining you much tuck into the fold giving the flag a right isosceles triangle shape with no red showing
    6. After checking and confirming that no red is showing and only blue and white stars are visible you are done


    This is the primary way of storing and displaying the American flag and is also the procedure the military uses when performing funerals for soldiers. Also when the flag is taken off the pole for ceremonies and such there is a speech given and it that speech it gives us insight into the meaning of the folded flag by saying: That when the flag is folded it resembles a cocked had and reminds us of the men who served under our countries first president George Washington.
     
  6. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:21 PM
    #6
    BakoTruck

    BakoTruck Well-Known Member

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    More , or ; and should make paragraphs. Not an expert, just some suggestions on what I would do, hope that helps.
     
  7. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:22 PM
    #7
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    i don't know if i mentioned it but it's a speech so i wasn't too worried about that. thanks though
     
  8. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:23 PM
    #8
    Griztaco

    Griztaco Well-Known Member

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    I would try to avoid using words redundantly in the same sentence. Here you use the word "daily" twice in the same sentence.


    I like the way it starts, though, so maybe cut out the last part.
     
  9. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:23 PM
    #9
    BakoTruck

    BakoTruck Well-Known Member

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    Mostly stock for now, I have added a cb radio, various cheap mods and I plan on adding aftermarket wheels and other items in the future.
    Oh sorry, I just thought of that too after I posted my post, my bad.
     
  10. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:24 PM
    #10
    Dellosa89

    Dellosa89 Love peace and Taco Grease

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    Demonstration speech? Im doing one too for my speech class next week.
     
  11. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:26 PM
    #11
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    changed the second daily to "said the pledge every morning" i'll edit it in the main post. thanks
     
  12. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:26 PM
    #12
    Packman73

    Packman73 ^^^^ 3%er ^^^^

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    That's about all I can come up with as well. Damn it, I wanted to get some serious critiquing on.
     
  13. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:27 PM
    #13
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    yes indeed. mine is supposed to be 2-3 minutes but no more than 5. b/c the teacher wants to do it all in one day
     
  14. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:29 PM
    #14
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    i'll try to finish the conclusion before you sign off haha. and too bad i'm not in any Compostion classes this semester i've already gotten them out the way haha
     
  15. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:30 PM
    #15
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    no man it's cool. thanks for the help
     
  16. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:32 PM
    #16
    Dellosa89

    Dellosa89 Love peace and Taco Grease

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    Yea my teacher is doing 4 to 6 min, i timed mine the other day and im at 3min 30sec, i got to do some bsing. good luck on the speech.
     
  17. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:33 PM
    #17
    Griztaco

    Griztaco Well-Known Member

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    perhaps delete "their countries" and add "our"

    You could also clean up some extra words, such as "all" before "all Americans"

    Lets see how it reads now...

    We may not salute it, and say the pledge to it like we did in our youth, but for the most part, Americans still give our flag the honor and recognition it deserves.
     
  18. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:34 PM
    #18
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    thanks man you too
     
  19. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:36 PM
    #19
    Griztaco

    Griztaco Well-Known Member

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    We may not salute it, and say the pledge to it like we did in our youth, but for the most part, we still give our flag the honor and recognition it deserves.



    I deleted "Americans" also cause you use, "we" everywhere else in the sentence
     
  20. Feb 24, 2010 at 9:37 PM
    #20
    usmrocks

    usmrocks [OP] Well-Known Member

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    edited Thanks a lot
     
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