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Chris 4x4 on Ship-in-a-bottle Building

Discussion in 'Sports, Hobbies & Interests' started by scocar, Aug 31, 2012.

  1. Aug 31, 2012 at 2:23 PM
    #1
    scocar

    scocar [OP] Not one of the 10,000 Baja Edition Elite Guard

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    I thought this was an interesting take on it.

    A Step-By-Step Guide
    to Building a Tiny Fucking Ship
    Inside a Tiny
    Fucking Bottle.


    BY Colin Nissan (AKA, Chris 4x4)

    - - - -
    Building tiny fucking ships inside tiny fucking bottles has been a traditional maritime art form since the early 1800s, when sailors on lengthy voyages were in need of something to occupy their time at sea, and decided that frustrating the living fuck out of themselves would be that something.

    This guide will teach you everything you need to know, from finding the right bottle with a tiny fucking opening, to making a tiny fucking boat, to jamming the tiny fucking boat into the tiny fucking opening.

    Before you get started, make sure that you have a clean workspace and that there isn’t a single other fucking thing you’d rather do besides this nautical disaster of a hobby.

    First, you need to find a bottle. Any wine or liquor bottle will do. Some of you may be wondering if there’s some two-piece trick bottle that’s glued back together once the ship is inside. There’s only one way into that bottle: the fucking hard way.

    Next, you’re going to carve the ship’s hull, keel and rudder out of wood, which is actually quite simple if you’re a professional fucking wood carver. If you’re not a professional wood carver, this will be really fucking difficult.

    Now it’s time to make the masts and booms out of toothpicks, then tie very fine wire around the ends of the toothpicks to act as hinges. This is also very easy, unless you have human hands, then it will be unbelievably fucking exasperating because everything you’re working with is fucking miniscule and dumb.

    Remember to periodically hold the ship up against the outside of your bottle throughout the building process so you can keep tabs on how completely fucked you’re going to be.

    Now you’re going to need to drill tiny holes through the masts. Quick recap; the masts are made out of toothpicks, so you’ll need to drill a fucking hole through a fucking toothpick—fucking twice. One helpful tip is to have several thousand extra toothpicks ready in case you don’t nail this step right away.

    Once you’ve woven a line of thread through five drilled pin holes in the hull, whittled a bowsprit and attached two lines to it from the hull to the booms to the tops of the masts and another directly to the shrouds, then made sails out of tiny pieces of cloth and glued them all over the fucking place, it’s time to simply fold the boat down on its hinges and push it through the bottle with a pair of long medical tweezers, then glue it into place and pull on the strings to hoist the sails.

    Didn’t work? Hmm, that’s weird. I wonder what twenty-five fucking things went wrong. Don’t get discouraged, just smash the bottle over your own head as a lesson for leading the kind of life where this seemed like a good idea, then start over again.
    Still not working? Strange. This time break the bottle in half like in an old western saloon and jab the jagged glass into your midsection a few times, while pondering the sixty additional hours of your life you just pissed away.

    Eventually you won’t want to do this anymore and will place whatever the fuck you end up with on the mantle. At which point, it’s time to sit back and admire your weird, limp-masted, S.S. Who Gives A Fuck, and relish your kindred bond with the brave seafaring artisans of yore who battled violent seas, crippling dysentery, and tiny fucking toothpicks to pave the way for this Bermuda fucking Triangle of crafts.

    [​IMG]
     
  2. Aug 31, 2012 at 2:28 PM
    #2
    XXXX

    XXXX Well-Known Member

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    :cool:
     
  3. Aug 31, 2012 at 2:37 PM
    #3
    BMOC

    BMOC Well-Known Member

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    lol
     
  4. Aug 31, 2012 at 2:45 PM
    #4
    neontrail

    neontrail ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈

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  5. Aug 31, 2012 at 2:53 PM
    #5
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Thor

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    I actually built a ship in a bottle not long ago. My parents got me a "kit", little did I realize at the time, they did it as a joke. Welp....After about 150 hours of actual work, 45 hours of swearing, and 100 hours of drinking.....I did it. It looks like shit, and I'll never do it again, but this dude pretty much sums it up.
     
  6. Aug 31, 2012 at 2:56 PM
    #6
    Konaborne

    Konaborne Pineapples on pizza Hawaiian does not it make.

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  7. Aug 31, 2012 at 2:59 PM
    #7
    scocar

    scocar [OP] Not one of the 10,000 Baja Edition Elite Guard

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    Better than the cat on a roomba swatting the dog. But a similar theme.
     
  8. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:00 PM
    #8
    Pugga

    Pugga Pasti-Dip Free Since 1983

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    Were you drinking and unaware that you made a write up of how to do it?
     
  9. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:01 PM
    #9
    scocar

    scocar [OP] Not one of the 10,000 Baja Edition Elite Guard

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    Teh Jager...
     
  10. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:02 PM
    #10
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Thor

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    The guys write up omits a few things.....For example, WHen you aree trying to glu e the ship into the bottom of the bottle, and you pull the tweezers out of the bottle, thinking the ship stuck in place, but is actually now glued to the side of the bottle.........
     
  11. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:02 PM
    #11
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Thor

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    i got the move like jager....
     
  12. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:08 PM
    #12
    Blueberry

    Blueberry Well-Known Member

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    ROFL! Nice write up! Should be very helpful. Can't wait to get started on what will surely be my new favorite hobby!
     
  13. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:23 PM
    #13
    Bender581

    Bender581 Well-Known Member

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    What about a ship in a 4 Runner.

    [​IMG]

    This one took me 1100-1200 hours.
     
  14. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:27 PM
    #14
    benbacher

    benbacher Purveyor of Fun Vendor

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    Too many to list now.
    I have no desire for this hobby.
     
  15. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:30 PM
    #15
    scocar

    scocar [OP] Not one of the 10,000 Baja Edition Elite Guard

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    Cheating. The opening is too big.

    Stick that in a Maker's bottle, and I 'll be impressed.
     
  16. Aug 31, 2012 at 3:46 PM
    #16
    JonnyBb

    JonnyBb I have to return some videotapes

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    S.S. Who Gives A Fuck....:rofl:
     
  17. Aug 31, 2012 at 7:32 PM
    #17
    scocar

    scocar [OP] Not one of the 10,000 Baja Edition Elite Guard

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    Chris in Viet Nam at the model ship convention
    [​IMG]
     
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