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chuck norris jokes

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by whiteynut, Mar 15, 2011.

  1. Mar 15, 2011 at 5:59 AM
    #1
    whiteynut

    whiteynut [OP] Well-Known Member

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    Came across this on another site & though it was funny. Add more if you can.

    Chuck norris can watch 60 minutes in 20 minutes

    There used to be a street named "Chuck Norris" but they had to change it since no one can cross Chuck Norris and live.

    God said "Let there be light' and Chuck Norris said"O.K."

    chuck norris actually died 10 years ago, but the grim reaper is afraid to tell him.

    When Chuck Norris enters a room he doesn't turn on a light he turns off the dark!

    When Chuck Norris walks his dog it picks up it's own shit, because Chuck Norris takes shit from no one.

    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there
    is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

    After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

    70% of a humans weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his !!!!

    182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year

    A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states

    Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always

    Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol

    Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain

    Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

    Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting because it implies the possibility of failure Chuck Norris goes killing.

    Chuck norris and mr. T walked into a bar. the palce was instantlly leveled because nothing can stand that level of awesome.

    Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed.

    Chuck Norris can unscramble a scrambled egg!

    When Chuck Norris does a push up, he pushes the world away from him.

    Chick Norris can ride a pink Vespa.

    When the boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can't have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris' watch doesn't tell him the time, he tells it the time.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

    Jesus might be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

    Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in only 3 moves.

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    Chuck Norris keeps running until the treadmill gets tired.

    Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

    Chuck Norris can tell if a lie detector tells a lie.

    Chuck Norris doesn't flush a toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

    Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake. After 3 long, painful, agonizing days......the snake died.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    If you have $5, and Chuck Norris has $5, he has more money than you.

    Take a wild guess who God prays to when He gets in a bind!

    After Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands they are just called the islands.

    4 days ago, March 10, Chuck Norris turned 71.
    Chuck Norris isn't celebrating turning 71 as much as the number 71 is celebrating being associated with Chuck Norris.

    chuck norris doesnt have a chin, its just another fist

    Lysol kills 99 percent of bacteria, chuck norris kills 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

    Chuck Norris can talk about fight club.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris sued the TV show Law and Order claiming that those were originally his names for his left and right arms.
     
  2. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:10 AM
    #2
    Namyo

    Namyo -

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    Chuck Norris doesn't flush a toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

    :laugh:
     
  3. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:11 AM
    #3
    JimBeam

    JimBeam BECAUSE INTERNETS!! Moderator

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  4. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:11 AM
    #4
    JimBeam

    JimBeam BECAUSE INTERNETS!! Moderator

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  5. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:12 AM
    #5
    JimBeam

    JimBeam BECAUSE INTERNETS!! Moderator

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  6. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:14 AM
    #6
    Matic

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    68'th post fail.
     
  7. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:16 AM
    #7
    Namyo

    Namyo -

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  8. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:24 AM
    #8
    woody6047

    woody6047 McGrubber

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    :laugh: but i have one.....

    Chuck Norris can clogs the toilet with his piss.
     
  9. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:31 AM
    #9
    Zombie Runner

    Zombie Runner Are these black helicopters for me?

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    I think this thread is about 3 years too late...
     
  10. Mar 15, 2011 at 6:36 AM
    #10
    rjclemen

    rjclemen Well-Known Member

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    Still funny, thanks for the laughs.
     
  11. Mar 15, 2011 at 4:48 PM
    #11
    whiteynut

    whiteynut [OP] Well-Known Member

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    :crapstorm:

    I wasn't here then, just relaying some funnies.

    Hope someone got a laugh for them.

    :burnrubber:
     
  12. Jun 27, 2015 at 8:45 AM
    #12
    skiergd011013

    skiergd011013 Well-Known Member

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    i did. By the way, one doesn't simply reject a call from chuck norris.

    3699.jpg
     
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