DoorDash Confidential with Charlie (another PennSilverTaco thread)!

One time, in January or February of 2019 I believe, a customer I delivered an Uber Eats order to invited me in to smoke a bowl with him and his buddy. I thanked him for the offer, but politely declined.

 

In the areas where I deliver, I am not afraid of getting beaten up, robbed, shot, etc...

However, I’ve already been offered weed, and have encountered a few customers who were obviously stoned. I’m also 99.9% sure I’ve delivered to customers who were either about to have sex, or had just finished having sex.

I do not expect to encounter any kinky activity, but now that BDSM has become more mainstream thanks to Fifty Shades, I would not be surprised if I delivered food somewhere and encountered a dominatrix in the middle of a session with a client, or if someone opened the front door and I saw their significant other strapped to a wooden cross and ball-gagged in the living room.

At the bar where I used to work, I witnessed a man pay another man to come to a hotel room and have sex with his wife while he watched, in probably 2017 or 2018. At the same bar way back in 2011, before I worked there, a woman in her fifties not-so-subtly offered to give me a BJ in my Tacoma. While she wasn’t bad looking, she was totally hammered, and her boyfriend was employed as a bartender at the time and working that night. He was right there when she propositioned me.

Like the hypothetical S&M scenarios, I am not expecting this to happen, but I would not be surprised if some woman offers to give me a happy ending or even a BJ as a reward for good service. Nor would I be surprised if I encountered a swinger couple...

 

While certain sexual encounters are nice to fantasize about, they are highly unlikely to happen, and if they did, fantasizing about something and actually doing it are two totally different things!

However, my area has been hit especially hard by the heroin/opioid epidemic. Quite a few of my deliveries are to middle school and high school kids who are often home alone. Sometimes I worry about encountering an overdose or some other emergency and it being able to much beyond calling 911...

My uncle is a police lieutenant in Edison, New Jersey. He has been on the force since 1993. Among other things, he believes that DUI checkpoints are unconstitutional and a waste of resources, and is about as far from the typical stereotypes about cops as one can get. As a cop in a deteriorating New Jersey town, you can bet that he’s seen a lot of shit. However, one thing he says really gets to him above all else is when teenagers overdose on heroin. He’s been to a lot of fatal overdose calls, sometimes with multiple overdoses!

Considering that my former high school supposedly has people monitoring the restrooms at all times to make sure people don’t do drugs and/or overdose, encountering such an emergency while delivering is something I worry about at times.

 

Speaking of dominatrixes and BDSM...

People with Aspergers Syndrome, like me and my friends, are known for thinking about the most random stuff and coming up with outlandish ideas.

At my 28th birthday party back in 2017, my friend and fellow Aspie Doug came with an idea for “Dominatrix Pizza”...

The concept: A pizzeria with an staff of delivery drivers (all women, obviously) who would tie up and whip customers who either left a lousy tip or didn’t tip at all.

I had not yet delved back into food delivery, but it had less than two years since I’d delivered pizzas for extra money. I knew all too well how infuriating a cheapskate customer could be.

What makes this even weirder is that this was my birthday party at the bar where I was working at the time. A lot of us, myself included, were pretty drunk. Doug, however, never has more than a beer or two at these parties and never touches hard liquor, so he was more or less sober. I was pretty buzzed by the time Doug brought up his idea for “Dominatrix Pizza”.

I told him that his idea sounded cool, but there might be one problem...

What if the customer was at best remotely into BDSM, and at worst a hardcore masochist? I have friends who are into BDSM and know from asking them that an hour-long session with a professional dominatrix ain’t cheap!

So seriously Doug, if someone is into S&M, don’t you think that if no tipping means they get tied up and smacked around by their pro-domme delivery driver, they’ll be incentivized to, maybe, I dunno, not tip?!?!

Like I said, I’d had more than a few beers by then and was feeling good to say the least, so I just started laughing. Sober Doug started laughing too, and he hasn’t mentioned “Dominatrix Pizza” since.

 

I have a female Aspie friend who lives out West, who was not diagnosed until she was 47. We met online, she is 50 now, and she is quite the kinky one to say the least. I knew she’d get a kick out of Doug’s “Dominatrix Pizza” idea and told her about it. She was quite amused, and told me that in her home state, the idea might actually be doable if the pizzeria were to be licensed as a strip club and/or fetish club.

Also noteworthy and quite ironic is that Doug himself is a bit of a cheapskate when it comes to tipping at restaurants and not into BDSM...

So, if “Dominatrix Pizza” was a thing, he’d be one of the customers getting punished by the delivery drivers and
not enjoying it!

 

I dont know about Uber eats but transporting people your car/truck has to be 10years old or newer... So we have been told by Uber

 

I havent read all these posts, but I do know that the companies behind these delivery services are super shady. Be careful, CYA, and watch your revenues/profit carefully.

 

My favorite Uber Eats story, and also one of the most aggravating, took place in early 2019 during the winter (February I believe). The app had taken me into Philly, and I got an order while in the city so I took it. I believe the order was from a pizza place, and it went to this well-kept row home. It was right after a snowfall and it was cold, so there was frozen snow on the ground. I ended up parking in the street and putting on my hazards because there were no parking spaces.

One thing I remember is that the name on the order was clearly a man’s name, but an elderly black woman answered the door. She was very friendly, and invited me in so she could “give me something for coming out in this weather”. I say again that it was not snowing, but it had snowed recently and it was cold, so the roads SUCKED in some places.

I was thinking “Okay, I’m getting a few extra bucks in cash. Cool!” I was a bit disappointed when she wrote me a check for two bucks...

I took the check to be nice, went back home, and deposited it electronically using my phone. A whole two bucks was available in my account moments later, and I thought nothing of it.

A couple days later, I went to check my funds and found that my account had negative seventeen dollars in it! I was freaking out, and the I realized what had happened.

I do not remember if it was my checking or savings account, but I would like point out that most of my money is invested in CDs and I’d used the money in my checking to pay the insurance on the truck.

Immediately realized the woman’s check had bounced, and I could understand the removal of the nonexistent two bucks, but the additional fifteen dollars made no sense to me.

I called my bank immediately and demanded an expiation. My bank told that not only had the check bounced, but the woman’s bank account had been shut down and no longer existed (and as such, the two bucks had never existed). I could care less about the two dollars, but it wanted my fifteen bucks back.

The woman on the end of the line told me that it was their policy to charge a $15 fee for bounced checks. I read that woman the riot act and got my money back.

 

I am dashing in Doylestown right now, and Doordash just did one of the more annoying things it’s been known to do...



That’s right, I’m currently on a dash and they’re encouraging me to dash in Bryn Athyn, an area of Bucks County which comprises Langhorne, Newtown, and Yardley among other places.

 

Another bloody obnoxious thing that Doordash does is follow your every move and then start sending automated texts if it appears to them that I am deviating from their set route.

The problem here is that if there’s an actual person watching, they are in California at the very best, and more than likely India. An even more likely scenario is that I’m being monitored by a computer or some AI. If it’s a person, then that person has probably never been to Pennsylvania, and I’m definitely not trusting a computer to know it’s way around the Doylestown area better than me.

So Doordash, let me do the driving! I’ve lived here more than fourteen years and have been driving for more than eight of those years! I know where the hell I’m going!

 

Friday (September 21st, 2019) I believe this happened...

I got an order from a place on 611 called TJ Smith’s. As I was leaving TJ Smith’s, I got another order from Soprano’s Pizza...

**FUN FACT: Soprano’s opened in late 1998, a few months before The Sopranos debuted on HBO in January 1999. Contrary to popular belief, the pizzeria is not named after the TV show and was named after the type of opera singer.**

So, I went to Soprano’s Pizza and it took them a bit longer than I would have liked to make the order. While I was waiting for the three pizzas, I got a text from the guy who had ordered from TJ Smith’s asking if I was having trouble finding his place. I explained that I was waiting for a second order and all was good.

I finally get the three pizzas at Soprano’s, and drive to the first guy’s house. As I am handing off his food, I notice an adorable Siberian Husky staring longingly out the front window at me. I ask if his dog is friendly and he lets the dog out so I can pet him. After a few minutes of petting the husky, I head back out to my truck and the husky follows me.

 

The owner has to go back into the house and coax the dog in through the garage. As this guy is collecting his dog, I hear my cell phone ringing. I remark to Mr. Husky that “I hope that’s not my other customer” and we share a chuckle.

I glance into my truck, and the caller ID is showing a number from somewhere in Alabama. I tell Mr. Husky this, and comment that it must be one of those spam calls again before sending it to voicemail. Mr. Husky and I part ways and he goes back into his house with the dog. I get in the truck and get another call from the same Alabama number.

Keep in mind that Doordash uses either San Francisco/San Mateo area codes or toll-free 800-type numbers in all of its calls, including to protect the privacy of customers and Dashers alike. Once again, I send it to voicemail. Before I can even back out of the driveway, I get two or three more calls from this Alabama number, and am starting to get pissed.

Finally after probably the fourth call I answer it, only for the Bluetooth in my truck to have connectivity issues.

I answer the phone and it sounds like a kid on the other hand. Somehow I just knew it was my customer. However, when my Bluetooth is acting up it substantially muffles the call.

I say something like “hold on, my Bluetooth is acting up” and shut the truck all the way off to break my phone’s connection with the head unit.

The customer says gruffly “Where are my pizzas?”

I explain the entire situation, telling him that I had another order before his. I also explain that Doordash generally uses California numbers to communicate between Dashers and customers, and that I was not being rude, but when I saw this Alabama number on my caller ID I literally thought it was a spam phone call. He seemed content with this, and I finally got to back out of Mr. Husky’s driveway.

Mr. Husky lived in Warrington and the guy who’d ordered the pizzas lived in the area where Doylestown Township bordered Furlong (which is part of Buckingham Township). It was probably a 12-minute drive.

 

So, as is usually the norm, the GPS is out of whack and pinpoints the wrong address. I pull into the driveway of what I think is the right house and call the Alabama number. The fact that all the lights were off at this house should have been a giveaway.

This first house had a GMC Sierra food truck parked in the driveway, and I asked the customer if his house has a food truck in the driveway. He says no and I back out in the cul-de-sac. That is when I see couple of teenage boys in a Gator-type off-road vehicle and a bunch more surrounding a late model Escalade. Apparently, they thought the person in the Escalade was the delivery driver...?

Then they see me and apologize to the person in the Escalade. The Escalade drives off and I apologize for the misunderstanding as I hand off the pizzas.

I read off the mysterious Alabama number to the customer and ask if it’s his. Not surprisingly, it is not. When he said he thought the person in the Cadillac was the Dasher, I asked if my profile included the type of vehicle I was driving.

He didn’t really seem to know...?

Recently when the truck was getting inspected, I did Doordash in a 2020 Corolla loaner from the dealer. Nobody batted an eye, but I’m pretty sure that my profile says I’m driving a Toyota Tacoma and lists my license plate number.

Anyway, it was no harm no foul, and I got five stars and a nice tip.

 

Yesterday, I turned down a pickup from Wendy’s that would have netted me just $4.96 even though it was one of those orders where I would have to place the order myself and wait in line at the drive-thru. Seconds later, I got a $9.45 order at Chipotle, which is within walking distance of that Wendy’s. Chipotle is one of those rare places where I actually enjoy picking up from because the food is almost always ready to go when I get there and I don’t have to use that blasted Doordash-provides debit card to pay for the order. I don’t care much for this particular Chipotle because the moron who designed the parking lot did not realize how busy the place would get being in Doylestown, and the parking lot is routinely full!

 

So, my customer’s order is not ready. I tell an employee who I’m there for, and she reacts with indifference. A short time later, another employee asks me who I’m picking up for.

Getting frustrated, I tell her...

There was another customer there, a middle-aged man. I am not sure if he was a Dasher or picking up for himself or a loved one, but he seemed more frustrated then me.

I said to him something along the lines of “this place makes the DMV look efficient”. He agreed with me.

 

I ended up standing next to the same guy I’d made the “DMV” comment to and, having still not received my order, commented aloud “I wonder what the hell is taking them so long.” There was a woman and her little girl standing next to this guy, but it was not his wife and kid.

The guy took offense to what I had said and publicly chastised me for “cursing in the front of a little kid.” He also told me calm down. I was calm before he said that, but I ceased to be calm afterwards. I said that I didn’t do anything wrong and asked what his problem was. He again touted that I’d said a curse word in front of a kid. I said that “hell is not a curse word” and an argument almost started. I wanted to deck this guy for telling me what to do, especially when it wasn’t even his kid, but I kept my cool. I knew I was going to say something I’d regret, so I cancelled the order and walked out without another word.

 

The Jules Thin Crust on Main Street in Doylestown Borough has officially been shit-listed. I will not be picking up orders there anymore!

For starters, getting to to their parking lot is a tight squeeze, and then the parking lot itself is too small.

Then, someone came up with the bright idea of “Fly By Pickup”. People will wait outside the front door in their vehicles for their preordered food instead of going inside. All this succeeds in doing is backing up traffic, because nobody can get around them!

This guy in the dark red Hyundai pulled forward when I asked him to do so...

 

Unfortunately, I got another order at this same place as soon as I dropped off the first one; The dickhead in the black Escalade was stubborn and did not move when asked politely. I retaliated by turning on my high-beams moments after I took the picture...



There was another Doordash driver (dasher) behind me in a RAV4, and we probably waited close to ten minutes because of the twatwaffle in the Escalade.

 

DoorDash glitched out last night after my initial dash, when I tried to do another one, and I was forced to call it a night.

 

And I still can’t access the money I made last night...