Fire Night @Larry Dangerfields

Cant have a fire without diesel and s’mores.

 

Granny always said put your cigarette out before going to poop.

 

Who wants s'mores

 

Day after jalapenos

 

What flavor

 

Cheddar jalapeño

 

My fire privileges have been limited to one pallet at a time by the wife. So this is tonight... the fire department shows up one time and she gets all crazy.

 

Once upon a time I was a college freshman in dire need of a beer. Enough of a need that three dorm rooms worth of horny, desperate, freshmen piled into my shitbox cadillac and leadfooted it to Del Rio. We parked the caddy in some sketch back alley and hiked over the bridge into Acuna just in time to watch the sun set.

I don't think there was ever a period in history where Cuidad Acuna was a safe town, but this being the 90s, the chances of being instantly murdered were relatively low. As soon as we cleared the border guard we picked up a taxi and asked where we could find a beer. My roommate asked about some mythical place called "boys town." The driver excitedly told us all the great things boys town had to offer. He had a real dusk-to-dawn vibe to him. I enquired about this place, I heard the star attraction was the donkey show. The driver's shoulders slumped as he sighed. "Oh, the donkey died." No matter, he knew a better place. It might not have a donkey show, but it wouldn't get us killed either.

We stopped at the up and down bar. This bar, if you could call it that, was a warehouse with a huge open pit of a basement. No railing between the balcony that your would call the ground floor and the basement below. There were a scattering of tables up here, the bar was on the back wall, if you could walk around the pit. The dance floor was below, accessible by a fire pole. If you wanted back out, an aluminum ladder was there for your convenience.

We got shit faced. We danced with warm bodies. I suspect that if the lighting was better my partner might have been more gargoyle than human, but hey, it's still enough to rev the engine of a smashed 17 year old. We arm wrestled with the toothless bouncer, 3 against one, and still lost. The evening was magic.

It's 3 am. Street lights are blurry and Not standing still. Not a cab to be seen. I think the border is about a mile or two in that direction. Might be closing time, but another dollar each got us a walking around beer to go. We stumble in a direction for an indeterminate amount of time. And that's when I learned that my roommate is an asshole drunk.

He was in a mood to fight. He starts hollering shit to anyone that's still out on the streets. Antagonizing shit. Racist shit. Fucker was about to get us all knifed. I see bright lights that hang over the bridge ahead. Quarter mile to go. I tell him to shut the fuck up and start shoving his ass towards it. Almost get him there. We clear the Mexico exit and start hiking the bridge to the US entry. An old drunk happens to be paralleling our path. Here. We. Fucking. Go. "Hay! Hey you! I like your boots! Betcha I could take them you fuck!" And just like that, I was witness to a fistfight that was both an international indecent and also between jurisdictions.

Mexican police were gathering on one side of the bridge. American feds gathering on the other. Easy choice. A dorm buddy breaks up the fight and I start shoving the roommate towards home. The feds quietly part the waters and let us approach the pedestrian checkpoint. "Looks like you boys had some fun tonight."

"Yes sir, but we've had our fill. If it's alright, we'll head straight back home now."

"Welcome to America." He waved us through. Huh. Odd, but I'm not about to question it. We beat feet to the caddy. As soon as I get the key in the door, we get fucking swarmed. 5 squad cars out of nowhere, but at least it's the local PD this time.

I stay quiet, humble, and polite. Everyone else picks up on my cue and does the same. Not Ross. He's still too hopped up, disappointed that he couldn't finish his fight. He goes downtown. The sargent tells me that the judge will set his bail as soon as office hours open up, in about three hours. We can hang out and post bail then. "Um officer, is bail gonna be more than 20 dollars?"

"Son I can't tell you that, but in most cases it's ten times that amount."

"Kay, no need to wake him up in the morning then. Thanks officer."




I wonder whatever happened to that guy?

 

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

 

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

 

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone 11 Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone 11 Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

 

This is turning into a great thread

 

No!