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Funny as hell, but probly not true!! A must read!!!!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by badguybuster, Jul 28, 2010.

  1. Jul 28, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    badguybuster [OP] Well-Known Member

    Mar 8, 2009
    First Name:
    West (by GOD) Virginia
    2016 Tacoma TRD Sport
    New truck....so nothing yet
    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it
    like it is'. This is funny....and true. This was sent by
    a retired dentist.

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
    I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
    make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
    single wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for
    26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
    7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
    have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
    and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
    charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
    upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
    of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
    ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
    Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally
    at one with the engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
    were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
    differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
    different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
    bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
    and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
    were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
    like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
    the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
    let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but
    Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or
    whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
    accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
    lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
    pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
    in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let
    me die .... Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
    idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
    waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
    in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day
    .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
    my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
    then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
    on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
    and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
    (not the left, just the right).

    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
    you might think.

    4 - My left eye will not open.

    5 - My right eye will not close.

    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
    little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it
    was better than new after that.

    7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
    the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
    appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
    sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
    can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
    gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
    triple check before I mow. :smack:

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