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How to tell if you are ready for kids.....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by 98tacoma27, Sep 29, 2010.

  1. Sep 29, 2010 at 10:17 AM
    #1
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 [OP] is gooder 'en chicken Moderator

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    The Kids Test
    For those of you without kids, here are some training tips for parenthood. For those of you that have kids, this is just to remind us why we chose not to have any more.
    HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN.

    THE MESS TEST

    Smear peanut butter on your sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Practice writing on the wall with a Hershey Bar Carefully load a sandwich into the VCR, see if it can record anything. Press EJECT when done. Find the tallest place in your home (vaulted ceilings are the best) and splash some tar-like substance in the corner. Wonder how anything could get there in the first place, without scaffolding.

    THE TOY TEST

    Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

    THE GROCERY STORE TEST

    Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you while you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    THE DRESSING TEST

    Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small, net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

    THE FEEDING TEST

    Obtain a large, plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the jug's contents on the floor.

    THE NIGHT TEST

    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more of your own and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful at all times!

    THE INGENUITY TEST

    Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Item must be complete and perfect within 30-60 minutes!

    THE AUTOMOBILE TEST

    Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Bend antenna into fabulous W, since radio reception is much improved. There ..... perfect.

    THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

    Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove half of the beans. Leave it on for the rest of your life.

    THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

    Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store's account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

    THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT

    Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience, since it will be the last time you will have all the answers.
     
  2. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:00 AM
    #2
    mntbiker2008

    mntbiker2008 First I derp.. then I herp

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  3. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:09 AM
    #3
    Pugga

    Pugga Pasti-Dip Free 1983 - 2015... It was a good run

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    Yeah... that's why I got a puppy instead. It bought me a few years to prepare.
     
  4. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:14 AM
    #4
    tim920

    tim920 Never seen Forest Gump

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    Lol. Empty Half of the bean bag. :laugh:
     
  5. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:16 AM
    #5
    MyYota05

    MyYota05 Well-Known Member

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    As a father of two I find this test to be pure genious. :rofl:
     
  6. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:17 AM
    #6
    Jester243

    Jester243 mod status????

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  7. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:20 AM
    #7
    kris77

    kris77 Born in the Backwoods

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    Wish i would have did this test 2 years ago...







    Na...Wouldn't trade him for anything...except maybe a good nights rest...lol
     
  8. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:21 AM
    #8
    davidpick

    davidpick NWXPDTN

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    LOL @ the "dressing test." Too funny! :laugh:
     
  9. Sep 29, 2010 at 11:26 AM
    #9
    THExBUSxDRIVER

    THExBUSxDRIVER Victory is reserved...

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    Not enough.
    Haha horrible....but true lol
     
  10. Sep 29, 2010 at 7:02 PM
    #10
    Krazie Sj

    Krazie Sj Resident Jackass

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    Quoted for truth. :eek:
     
  11. Sep 29, 2010 at 7:27 PM
    #11
    BGrutter

    BGrutter Well-Known Member

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    Not a father ... yet. But thanks for the laugh. Have to say, the "bean-bag" was AWESOME! Had to read that aloud to my wife. Even she laughed.
     
  12. Sep 29, 2010 at 7:51 PM
    #12
    theredofshaw

    theredofshaw Well-Known Member

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    i particularly like the lego/roofing tacks...lol
     
  13. Sep 30, 2010 at 2:39 AM
    #13
    FoxySandChick

    FoxySandChick Well-Known Member

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    :laugh:
    All the more reasons I'll never had any children!
     
  14. Sep 30, 2010 at 10:46 AM
    #14
    JM76

    JM76 Ride On

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:because it's all true.
     
  15. Sep 30, 2010 at 11:47 AM
    #15
    Zombie Runner

    Zombie Runner Are these black helicopters for me?

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    omg this is great! :laugh:
     
  16. Oct 1, 2010 at 9:19 AM
    #16
    MTgirl

    MTgirl too many frogs, not enough princes... Moderator

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    :rofl:so true. one night of babysitting a 2-1/2 year old and a 5 month old will also do the trick. emailing this to their parents right now...
     
  17. Oct 1, 2010 at 9:38 AM
    #17
    mntbiker2008

    mntbiker2008 First I derp.. then I herp

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    just babysitting my 5 year old brother has proven good birth control for me hahaha I don't want any kids for a good while.
     
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