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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Apr 22, 2013 at 7:27 AM
    #2001
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    good ones-if I find any-will post.
    Started from page one--some were amazing--LMAO
     
  2. Apr 22, 2013 at 7:29 AM
    #2002
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

    As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
     
  3. Apr 22, 2013 at 2:36 PM
    #2003
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A mother and her young curious son were flying Southwest Airlines from Las Vegas to Chicago. The boy sitting by the window turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

    The mother was caught by surprise and couldn't think of an answer so she tells her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant the same questions.

    The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

    The little boy said, "Yes."

    "Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
     
  4. Apr 22, 2013 at 2:36 PM
    #2004
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

    He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

    Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

    The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

    "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
     
  5. Apr 22, 2013 at 2:37 PM
    #2005
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
    One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
    The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
    The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"
    She frowned and said: "The postman."
    "Why the postman?"
    "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
     
  6. Apr 22, 2013 at 2:38 PM
    #2006
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

    told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

    thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

    you would spend only $150?"

    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take

    that chance."
     
  7. Apr 22, 2013 at 2:41 PM
    #2007
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

    Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

    He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

    The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!"

    With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"
     
  8. Apr 22, 2013 at 3:26 PM
    #2008
    crazyengineer

    crazyengineer Well-Known Member

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    patrick
    Bristol, TN
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    K&N Cold Air Intake, Warn Winch and Bumper Guard, Wet Okole Seat Covers, Undercover Bed Cover, TRD Kenwood Head Unit, Infiniti Speakers, JL 13.5 inch pancake sub
    sub'd, some of these are great!
     
  9. Apr 22, 2013 at 3:49 PM
    #2009
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent Anything you say can and will be held against you."

    The drunk replies, "Tits"
     
  10. Apr 22, 2013 at 3:58 PM
    #2010
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Good ones today.
     
  11. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:34 AM
    #2011
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."
    The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old". The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?" The little boy said: "No......by minding his own business."
     
  12. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:36 AM
    #2012
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
    Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"
     
  13. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:36 AM
    #2013
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Teacher: Billy stop making ugly faces at other students
    Billy: Why??
    Teacher: Well, when I was your age, I was told that if I kept making ugly faces, my face would stay that way.
    Billy: Well, I can see you didn't listen.
     
  14. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:37 AM
    #2014
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F "?
    A - almost gone
    B - barelly noticeable
    C - comfortable
    D - damn good
    E - exremely big
    F - Fake
     
  15. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:37 AM
    #2015
    gupster88

    gupster88 Well-Known Member

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    Almost Heaven
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    23dec2007 - funny stuff man! love your pic in your sig. but because of that pic i can't read your posts at work :cool::anonymous::crapstorm:
     
  16. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:39 AM
    #2016
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage
    At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
    "Well, - Ole replied to the assembled husbands, - I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded: "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Ole proudly replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her."
     
  17. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:41 AM
    #2017
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Two friends only had enough money to get a hot dog. But they really wanted some more drinks. The first Friend says to the other one, "Hey, look I've got an idea. You give me your money and I'll go and get us a hot dog." The other one said, "Hell, I don't want a hot dog. I want to get drunk."
    The first friend replied, "Just listen, I'll get a hot dog with nothin' on it, throw the bun a way, and I'll stick the hot dog down my pants. When we get to the bar and order our drinks, we'll down them real quick, and when the bartender tells us the price, I'll whip out the hot dog while you jump down and act like you're blowing me, and he'll throw us out for being gay." The other friend says, "Ok, sounds like a good idea to me."
    Well they walked into the first bar. The first friend said to the bartender, "I'll have a double shot of Burboun, and my friend will have one too." The bartender poured them their drinks, they downed them real quick, and the bartender said, "That'll be $10.50." So the first guy whipped out the hot dog while his friend dropped to his knees and started to blow the hot dog. The bartender almost came over the bar yelling, "Get the hell out of here, you cocksuckers." "Well that worked pretty good," said the other friend. They ended up hitting 19 bars like this, until, finally, the other friend said, "We gotta stop this, my knees are starting to hurt." The first friend looked at him and said, "You think that's bad, I lost the hot dog on the third bar."
     
  18. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:42 AM
    #2018
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Sorry!!
     
  19. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:44 AM
    #2019
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
    The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
    He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said... "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
     
  20. Apr 23, 2013 at 3:44 AM
    #2020
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Three nuns sitting in the convent one night. The first nun said to the other two, "you should have seen what I did to Father last night , I put a condom in his coat pocket". The second nun said ,"I found it and poked a hole in it". The third nun FAINTED !
     
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