Joke of the Day

Daughter: Mom, I'm pregnant!
Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don't, and when he touches you vagina, say stop.
Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,"don't, stop, don't, stop.

 

Q: Why do women have legs?


















A: Have you seen the mess a slug makes?

 

A little girl was walking home from school and saw a rose growing on the side of the road. She thought her mother would like it, when she picked it she got a thorn stuck in her hand. The little girl ran home yelling, "Mom, Mom, I have a thorn in my hand can I have so apple cider." The mother asks"why do you want apple cider?' The little girl says, "Everytime my sister gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider (inside) her."

 

One evening, a couple is sitting in the living room and the wife begins to watch a cooking show on TV. The husband asks her, “What do you that for? You can’t cook!” The wife replies, “You watch porn, don’t you?”

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:



Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few bucks. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.. It read:



Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.

Edna

 

Two friends only had enough money to get a hot dog. But they really wanted some more drinks. The first Friend says to the other one, "Hey, look I've got an idea. You give me your money and I'll go and get us a hot dog." The other one said, "Hell, I don't want a hot dog. I want to get drunk."

The first friend replied, "Just listen, I'll get a hot dog with nothin' on it, throw the bun a way, and I'll stick the hot dog down my pants. When we get to the bar and order our drinks, we'll down them real quick, and when the bartender tells us the price, I'll whip out the hot dog while you jump down and act like you're blowing me, and he'll throw us out for being gay." The other friend says, "Ok, sounds like a good idea to me."

Well they walked into the first bar. The first friend said to the bartender, "I'll have a double shot of Burboun, and my friend will have one too." The bartender poured them their drinks, they downed them real quick, and the bartender said, "That'll be $10.50." So the first guy whipped out the hot dog while his friend dropped to his knees and started to blow the hot dog. The bartender almost came over the bar yelling, "Get the hell out of here, you cocksuckers." "Well that worked pretty good," said the other friend. They ended up hitting 19 bars like this, until, finally, the other friend said, "We gotta stop this, my knees are starting to hurt." The first friend looked at him and said, "You think that's bad, I lost the hot dog on the third bar."

 

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.

 

I can't get over how awesome your signatures are

 

Thanks

 

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

 

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fucking one of them.
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
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I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”
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Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard
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I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

 

A girl comes to a gynaecologist. She undresses and sits down with legs wide
apart. Doctor:
- Up!
The girl lift her legs up.
- Up!
The girl lifts her legs even higher.
- Up!!! – shouts doc.
Girl: - Doc, I can’t lift them higher.
Doc: - The office of gynaecologist is up on the Second Floro. It‘s the barber shop here.

 

A blonde comes to driving practice test. She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says:
- You have failed.
Blonde:
- But why, I have just got into the car.
Instructor:
- Yes, but you sat on the back seat.

 

At psychiatrist:
- Do you consume alcohol?
- No.
- Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you use drugs?
- No.
- Do you play cards?
- No.
- Do you run after other women?
- No.
- So why did you come to me?
- You see, doc, I have one little problem - I lie a lot...

 

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

 

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,


Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

 

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY.
Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana, in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture that Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885; escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid:

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 ,Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Now THAT's how its done, folks! That's real Political Spin!

 

A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"

"10" said the caddy.

"Great, you'll do perfectly!"

 

When Johnny got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer breasts."

 

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."