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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. May 11, 2013 at 4:19 AM
    #2081
    tacoma16

    tacoma16 Well-Known Member

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    Check the build
    keep them coming. These make my morning. Thanks a lot!
     
  2. May 11, 2013 at 9:53 AM
    #2082
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
    As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
    She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
    Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
    She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
    She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
    The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
     
  3. May 11, 2013 at 9:54 AM
    #2083
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
    Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.
    One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
     
  4. May 11, 2013 at 9:54 AM
    #2084
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Word started getting out about Snow White's mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves.
    Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all.
    Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person.
    Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So they each went before the mirror.
    As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said "Oh, I really *am* the most beautiful of all!"
    As Tom Thumb left he was quite pleased to know that he is indeed the smallest of all.
    As Quasimodo left, he exclaimed "Who the heck is Janet Reno?"
     
  5. May 11, 2013 at 9:56 AM
    #2085
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
    Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.
    Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
    He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
    Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
    She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
    Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
     
  6. May 11, 2013 at 9:58 AM
    #2086
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
    A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
    He answers, "$35."
    She: "How much for the black one?"
    He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price."
    She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
    A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the blackdildo?"
    He: "$35."
    She: "How much for the white one?"
    He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price."
    She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
    About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
    He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
    She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
    He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150."
    She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
    Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I wasgone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!"
     
  7. May 11, 2013 at 10:04 AM
    #2087
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Marriage rule:

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
    2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
    3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
    4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
    5. My ears are NOT handles.
    6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
    7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
    8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
    9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
    12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
    13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....
    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
     
  8. May 11, 2013 at 10:06 AM
    #2088
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.
    The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!
    Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."
     
  9. May 11, 2013 at 12:38 PM
    #2089
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    funny as shit today. GREAT JOB!!!!
     
  10. May 11, 2013 at 2:15 PM
    #2090
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    I have a beautiful young neighbor. She's single and lives right across the street. I can see her house from my family room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

    She knocked on my door and I rushed to open it. She looks at me and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

    Without missing a heartbeat I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!” Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" Man, it's no fun getting old!!!
     
  11. May 13, 2013 at 7:19 AM
    #2091
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Subj: Indian named "Onestone" - Much Needed Humor










    The Indian With One Testicle

    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
    and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
    He hated that
    name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..

    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
    cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
    again I will kill them!'
    The word got around and nobody called
    him that any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
    forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
    jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
    the forest where he made love to her all day and
    all night. He made love to her all the next day,
    until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what
    he promised he would do.
    Years went by and no
    one dared call him by his given name until A woman
    named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
    away.
    Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
    overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
    She hugged him
    and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
    then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
    night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
    her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!








    Why ???








    OH, come on... take a guess !!!








    Think about it !!!








    You're going to love this !!!








    Everyone knows.


    You can't kill Two Birds


    with OneStone!!!































    I










    -------------------------------------------------------------------


    [​IMG]




     
  12. May 13, 2013 at 8:38 PM
    #2092
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Three men are sentenced to death and brought to face their fate.
    The executioner says to the first one, "You have a choice: you may die either by lethal injection or electric chair."
    He chooses lethal injection. The injection is administered and he dies.
    The second man is offered the same choice. He selects electric chair. The executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He tries again. Again nothing happens.
    "Well," the executioner says, "according to our laws, you made your choice and the punishment was administered, so we are done. You can go free." He goes free.
    Then the executioner asks the third man the same question: lethal injection or electric chair.
    "I think lethal injection," he says. "The electric chair is obviously broken."
     
  13. May 18, 2013 at 10:36 AM
    #2093
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
    ***************** ***

    I had amnesia once---or twice
    ***************** ***

    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
    ***************** ***

    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
    ***************** ***

    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
    ***************** ***

    If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
    ***************** ***

    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
    ***************** ***

    They told me I was gullible and I believed them. ***************** ***

    Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
    ***************** ***

    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. (Amen)!!!
    ***************** ***

    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    ***************** ***

    My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
    ***************** ***

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
    ***************** ***

    How can there be self-help "groups"?
    ***************** ***

    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
    ***************** ***

    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off
    ***************** ***

    Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
    ********************

    TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS!
     
  14. May 18, 2013 at 10:37 AM
    #2094
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]

    Best Foods Mayonnaise/aka Hellmann's - a bit of history...





    Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .





    This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were extremely heartbroken at the loss.





    Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -









    Sinko De Mayo.









    WHAT ??? You expected something educational from me?





    You need a shot of Tequila.[​IMG]
















     
  15. May 18, 2013 at 11:16 AM
    #2095
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed... My name, mobile phone number, living address, etc.
     
  16. May 18, 2013 at 11:17 AM
    #2096
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
    - Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

    Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
    - Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
    - Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

    Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
    - Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
    - Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

    Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
    - Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
    Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
    - Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.

    Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
    - You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…
     
  17. May 18, 2013 at 11:19 AM
    #2097
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A teacher doing roll call on 1st day of school comes across a name and calls it out, "Wagon Wheel Jones". "Here I am, teacher," a boy calls out. The teacher goes on and on and isn't convinced this is the boys name. The boy says his parents had so many children they named them after the first thing they saw. The teacher doesn't believe him and excuses him to get a note thats his real name. As he's walking out he sees his sister coming to class. He says to her, "C'mon, chicken shit she's not going to believe you either!"
     
  18. May 18, 2013 at 11:20 AM
    #2098
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Angry husband is not satisfy with his wife's behaviour and sends an sms to his mother-in-law.

    Husband: Product not matching requirements...

    Mother-in-law: Warranty expired.....manufacturer's not responsible after seal is broken.
     
  19. May 18, 2013 at 11:20 AM
    #2099
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A Priest had been called to Rome for a conference with the Pope. The only other religious leader was a Rabbi and the Priest prevailed on him to hear confessions while he was gone. The Rabbi agreed. A young man came in and confessed that he had had sex with a young woman. The Rabbi told the young man to say three Hail Mary's and charged $5. A second young man came in and confessed to the same sin and the Rabbi gave the same instructions. A third man came in and confessed the same thing but when the Rabbi asked for $5 the young man said, "All I have is a ten." The Rabbi said, "That's okay, you can do it again."
     
  20. May 18, 2013 at 11:21 AM
    #2100
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Man: There's a serial killer on the loose!!

    Blondie: (runs into the kitchen)

    Man: What R U DOING?!

    Blondie: Gotta hide my Fruit Loops!
     
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