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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. May 18, 2013 at 11:23 AM
    #2101
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    My wife asked me to describe her.I said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asked, "What does that mean?" I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She said: "Oh, that's so lovely. What about -- I, J, K?" I said? "I'm Just Kidding!"
     
  2. May 18, 2013 at 11:28 AM
    #2102
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

    The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
     
  3. May 18, 2013 at 11:29 AM
    #2103
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

    "Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

    Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

    "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

    "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
     
  4. May 18, 2013 at 11:40 AM
    #2104
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.

    The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

    And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

    Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

    The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!
     
  5. May 18, 2013 at 11:42 AM
    #2105
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.
     
  6. May 20, 2013 at 4:45 PM
    #2106
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    2" lift AAL and Bilstiens-front-rear,front diff drop. main drive drop
  7. May 20, 2013 at 4:59 PM
    #2107
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    Cowboy: Give me three packets of condoms, please. CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir? Cowboy: Nah. She ain't THAT ugly.
     
  8. May 20, 2013 at 5:03 PM
    #2108
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?

    The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! "
     
  9. May 27, 2013 at 5:26 PM
    #2109
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    Little Johnny walks into his second grade classroom, the teacher notices that his backpack is bulging on all sides, So, she asks, "Johnny want is in your backpack?" "My cat." Says Johnny. 'I saved its life." How did you do that?" The teacher asks. Johnny replies, "while I was getting ready for school, I heard Daddy say to Mommy when the boy goes to school I am going to eat that pussy."
     
  10. May 27, 2013 at 5:27 PM
    #2110
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A women came home one day with a mirror and told her husband it was magic. Her husband told her to prove it.
    She said watch, ''Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my boobs biggest of all.''
    Sure enough, they grew huge.
    The husband was amazed and said, "Ooh, oooh, let me try! Mirror, mirror show me more, make my dick touch the floor.''
    His legs fell off.
     
  11. May 27, 2013 at 5:27 PM
    #2111
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,if he could screw, he could fly.'
     
  12. May 27, 2013 at 10:18 PM
    #2112
    2TRunner

    2TRunner Snoop Dad

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    My House Usually
    A baby seal walked into a club....
     
  13. May 28, 2013 at 1:54 AM
    #2113
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

    He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

    The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

    What's that?" he asks.

    She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"
     
  14. May 28, 2013 at 1:59 AM
    #2114
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A woman went to her doctor for advice.

    She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

    "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

    "Actually, yes, I do."

    "Does it hurt you?" he asked.

    "No. I rather like it."

    "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

    The woman was mystified.

    "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

    "Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"
     
  15. May 30, 2013 at 8:50 AM
    #2115
    FL Forester

    FL Forester Well-Known Member

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    Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sittingin the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the president.



    Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.



    The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"



    So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."



    He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.



    She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!"



    Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.


    The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!!!"
     
  16. May 30, 2013 at 2:02 PM
    #2116
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
     
  17. May 30, 2013 at 2:08 PM
    #2117
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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  18. May 30, 2013 at 3:42 PM
    #2118
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

    "Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

    "My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

    "Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."
     
  19. May 30, 2013 at 3:44 PM
    #2119
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    Sex Cake

    Ingredients:
    2 Loving eyes.
    2 Loving arms
    2 Well shaped legs
    2 Firm milk containers
    1 Fur lined mixing bowl
    2 Large nuts
    1 Large banana

    Method:
    Look into loving eyes.
    Fold in loving arms
    Spread well shaped legs
    Squeeze and massage milk containers gently until fur lined milking bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
    Add banana - work in and out until well creamed.
    Cover with nuts and sigh with relief.
    Cake done when banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl!
    P.S. If cake begins to rise, leave town immediately!!!!
     
  20. May 30, 2013 at 3:45 PM
    #2120
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    An old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender says to the wife, "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?"

    "No, no, not really," the wife says. "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."
     

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