Joke of the Day

A Priest had been called to Rome for a conference with the Pope. The only other religious leader was a Rabbi and the Priest prevailed on him to hear confessions while he was gone. The Rabbi agreed. A young man came in and confessed that he had had sex with a young woman. The Rabbi told the young man to say three Hail Mary's and charged $5. A second young man came in and confessed to the same sin and the Rabbi gave the same instructions. A third man came in and confessed the same thing but when the Rabbi asked for $5 the young man said, "All I have is a ten." The Rabbi said, "That's okay, you can do it again."

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said poetically, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Again John said poetically, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." " Oh! Mary choked clearly moved, that was very nice indeed, John!"
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

An old man walking along the river bank suddenly spotted a boy drowning in the river. The man started shouting "HELP! HELP! I can't swim", a man passing by the road shouted back "Will you ever grow up! I also can't ride a bicycle but you'll never hear me yelling about it in the street"

 

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

 

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'

'You certainly were,' replies the barman.

'And did I spend a lot of money?'

'You spent over $100', replies the barman.

'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it.'

 

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

 

After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."

"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."

 

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.
...
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

What has two legs and bleeds alot??
?
?
?
?
?
A half of a cat !

 

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

 

A Husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor. Wife gets him up and cleans everything.
Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him. He braces for a fight, but finds a note near the table.

"Honey, your favorite breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I'll come running back to you, my love. I love you.

Surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?"

The Son replies, "When mom got you up to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt. You were dead drunk and you said,

"Hey Lady! Leave Me Alone. I'm Married!!"

 

A lady says to her doctor:
"My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies:

"Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what her drawing was.

The girl replied, "I’m drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

 

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm."Sure!!" She says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

 

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

 

An old couple were getting ready to turn in for the night. The old man was in bed reading, while his old wife was brushing her hair at the dresser.
Suddenly the old woman jumps onto the bed & rips open her night gown. SUPER PUSSY!!!!! she yells. "I'll take the soup" replies the old man.

 

So a kid was on a school bus with his friends and was trying to explain what race you were based on your parents. Trying to explain it the kid was telling his friends that if his mom was a big moose and his dad was a big moose he would be a little moose, if his dad was a big bear and his mom was a big bear he would be a little bear, and if his dad was a big lion and his mom was a big lion he would be a little lion.

The bus driver overheard the conversation and turned around and asked the kid, "what would you be if your momy was a whore and your dad was a fagot?"

The kid replied, "I would be a bus driver."

 

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

-----

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

-----

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad