Joke of the Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

 

One day, in the African jungle, a lion was getting a drink of water from the stream. He's lapping away at the water, butt in the air, not a care in the world.
A gorilla happens by, see the lion with his butt in the air & thinks "king of the jungle huh? I'll show him". He runs over to the stream, forces the lion's head into the water & mud and bangs him right up the ass. He finishes & runs off into the jungle laughing his ass off.
That lion comes out of that water with teeth bared & razor sharp claws slashing. ROARRRRRRR! He takes off after that gorilla.
The gorilla's running through the jungle thinking "Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh Shit, I can't out run that lion, WTF am I gonna' do?" The gorilla comes upon an abandoned safari camp in a clearing. He puts on a pair of pants, a safari jacket & a hat then sits on a camp stool. He picks up an old news paper & pretends to read. Just then:
ROARRRRRRR! the lion bursts into the clearing, ready for the kill. "Hey buddy, did you see a gorilla run through here?" he asked the terrified figure in the safari suit.
"You mean the one that just fucked a lion up the ass?" the gorilla answered without looking up.
"Oh shit" said the lion "it's in the paper already?"

 

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

 

An Ode to Oral Sex

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.

 

The Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a ****.

 

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

 

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

 

A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

 

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

 

GOOD ONES!!!!

 

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

Two men enter a house dragging a guy in by his arms. Inside, Big Joe, an enormous black guy, cleans his nails with a knife.
The Boss wants Big Joe to buttfuck the guy so that he learns to never try and play tough with their men.
Big Joe says, "Leave him in that corner over there. I'll take care of him in a minute."
When the two men leave the guy says, "Please, Big Joe, for the love of Christ...don't do that to me! Anything but that. I can't handle the thought of you ass fucking me. Please no.
Big Joe says, "shut the fuck up and be still!"
After a while two other men arrive dragging another guy in by his hair.
"This one the Boss orders you to cut his hands off so he learns to leave our gang's money alone."
Big Joe says, "Leave him there next to the first guy and I'll settle that in a moment."
A little later comes another unfortunate guy:
"Big Joe, the Boss wants you to cut this one's dick off and tongue out so that he won't try to play with the women from our crew again."
Big Joe says, "Gimme a minute. Put him over there next to the others."
That's when the first dude says in a low, humble voice, "Mr. Joe, please, with all respect, just to prevent any confusion...the ass guy, it's me, got it?"

 

Three guys had just been released from prison and were really kinky. They saw this beautiful woman as they were walking in the woods. Each of them had sex with the woman. Unfortunately, the woman was part of a tribe and the tribe Chief captured the three men and made a bargain with them.

He said, "If the three of your penises together measure twenty one inches (or more) we will not kill you but let you go free."

They took the first guy and he measured 15.5 inches. They took the second guy and he measured 5 inches. Finally they took the third man and he was with them for a few hours and he measured .5 inches. The Chief released the men because they together measured twenty-one.

On the way home they were bragging to each other. The first man said, "You guys are really lucky for my fifteen and a half inches."

The second man said, "You guys were really lucky I had five inches."

The third man said, "You guys are lucky that I had a boner!"

 

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.

No one knows. Finally, Little Billy puts up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his
propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Billy?"

"Miss Figpot, it means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Billy, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard
Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

 

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

 

An old woman walked into her local butchers. While she waits she asked the butcher, 'Where is Billy your apprentice?"

"I fired him," replied the butcher.

"Why did you do that?"

"I found him with his penis in the meat mincer."

Shocked the old lady replied, "And what did you do with the meat mincer?"

"I fired her too," said the butcher.

 

This man was in Australia during the Olympics and he walks in a store and finds Olympics condoms, they come in gold, silver and bronze. He buys some and brings them back to his wife that night.

"Honey" the man, says "I bought some Olympic condoms today and I thought we'd try one tonight.

So that night the woman asks, "So what color are you wearing?"

He replies "Gold, of course."

She says, "Oh, honey can't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for once."

 

The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?"

"Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"

 

Love is a temptation caused by a sensation
which a man sticks his location into a girls destination
which doubles the population for the next generation
do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?

 

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"